Thursday, April 7, 2016

The Gift of Human Emotions

I recently discovered someone who calls himself Magister Daire. I liked a quote of his and used it with an image. I started following him on Instagram and I liked a lot of what he posted and then he posted something that just rubbed me the wrong way. Granted, I haven't studied this individual at length but the little I have seen gives me a definite impression of someone who thinks himself more knowledgeable and more enlightened than the rest of us. That word...enlightened...annoys the crap out of me.

A truly enlightened person would never claim to be enlightened. A truly enlightened person knows there is a distinct possibility that they actually know nothing at all. They know they are forever both student and teacher. They don't seek followers. They seek simply to learn and understand as much as they can through each human incarnation.

This is the meme he posted and the poem below it that bothered me:

I really dislike it when spiritual teachers make statements that put shame around half of the human emotions we experience while we are here. So the impression I get from this is he is saying all anger and sorrow is based in fear which in turn makes the person on a spiritual journey feel they are wrong for ever having those emotions because they don't want to live in fear. You know what I say to that? FUCK THAT SHIT!!!

So called "negative" emotions like sorrow and anger have the ability to act as a catalyst to transform us more than any other. It is when we reach our lowest point that who we are can be burned away and we can rise from our own ashes renewed and reborn if we allow it. Most people on a spiritual journey got there because intense sorrow, grief, anger and pain brought them to their knees. Those who reach for something more start their spiritual journey into self discovery.

And once we are on these journeys, it is fucking hard and no matter how much spiritual knowledge you gain, tears, sorrow, anger is a natural part of the process into change. No matter how much I know and understand about death, I still ache when a physical character I knew and loved is no longer part of my personal play. I miss them no matter how much I know they might still be with me in spirit. I will allow myself to feel heartache when I am hurt by someone I love. I will allow myself to feel sorrow when the missing of someone is acute. I will allow myself to feel anger that moves me into action to create change in my world.

The difference with a spiritual person is we try not to unpack and live in those emotions. We allow them, experience them, learn from them and then release them. There is no shame in feeling what you feel...EVER. As long as you can step back and sort out where it is coming from, learn something from it and then turn it around so that it is useful instead of detrimental, I see no harm in it. It is when you unpack and live in any given emotion that people run into problems. A person living in one emotion is someone living out of balance and I am all about preaching balance. It is something I strive for but can honestly say I have never achieved. Lol

The way I see it is like this. Those who try to deny themselves certain emotions because they are deemed "negative" are a lot like those who go on restrictive diets (I am not talking about those with true allergies or intolerance). You have those who eat no grains, no gluten, no dairy, no sugar, no meat, nothing cooked, and the list could go on. I came for the human experience and half of that experience is about tasting every human emotion I can. You can stay away from the strawberry whipped cream frosting cake and chocolate eruption cake if you wish because someone said it is bad for you, but I will have my cake when I feel so inclined to have it and I will eat it too. I don't have it all the time, but I also won't deny myself experiencing the myriad of flavors/emotions life in the human vehicle affords me.

Monday, April 4, 2016

When People Walk Away, Darkness, Moving Forward

If any of you follow me on Instagram, you might have noticed my mood taking a dark turn as reflected in my recent string of posts. I'm not a "positive, soft, and fluffy at all costs" kind of spiritual person. When I am feeling my shadow side, I embrace it and reveal it openly. I express it so I can then let it go. A series of events took place that just put me in a bad fucking mood and I didn't feel like spouting cheerful bullshit when I just wasn't feeling it in the moment. To deny yourself those feelings is to deny yourself one half of the human experience. When I was coming off my dark cloud, I half thought about deleting my dark and negative string but then thought, "No, this is me being authentic and real and people need to see it." We can learn just as much from our unpleasant dark feelings as we can from joyful ones. Maybe we even learn more from the dark if we are cognizant that there are lessons to be learned from the dark feelings and actively look to see what the lessons are in the experience.

Photo by Kindra Nikole
I wrote a really positive blog post about my best friend and I wasn't really surprised when another friend I have known since we were 17 posted a snide comment about my blog post.

We have a long history and there are a lot of rocky points in our relationship. She has had a long history of insulting me but doing it in an underhanded way as if she thinks I am too stupid to figure out she is doing it. She also has a bad habit of being very disparaging about those around her, putting people down where she feels the need. She sees only disgusting dirty beggars of the street vendors selling their handmade items from their blankets. I see people trying to do something to make money. I see people who add color and character to a beloved neighborhood, hence, my reply to her snide comment.

When I first started growing exponentially spiritually, she was really mean and hateful to me about what I was experiencing and believed in. It hurt because I had been there for her through all of her drama with her narcissist boyfriend and when I wanted to share something that meant a lot to me, she verbally slapped me in the face. I withdrew from her at that point and simply felt no inclination to try to nurture what was left of the ragged bits of our friendship.

What I know and understand well about this "friend" is that she is horribly insecure and all of her hate and malice directed at others is really just highlighting her own deep self-loathing. Which is why I added this comment as well:
She came back trying to say that what she meant was that I "uplift" people but I know all too well what she actually meant. She had time to think about my responses and apparently they were so offensive that it required blocking me on Facebook and Instagram and having her three grown sons unfriend me as if we are in the 7th grade and we need to tell people who they can be friends with. I was both amused and irritated and I asked myself, "What is this experience supposed to teach me?"

It was a dream I had that night which helped me to see what the lesson was in this experience. I believe fully that all of our dream symbols can be applied to our waking life. All of those people in your life who appear and are showing you an aspect of you are doing the exact same thing in your waking life. Everyone in your life is an aspect of you and represent something. The question you have to ask yourself is what aspect of you do they represent? In my dreams, this individual always turns up as an antagonist, as someone who isn't very nice to me...much the way she has been in real life. And yes, there is most decidedly a side to me that has been horrible to myself. What she also represents in a very big way is the person I used to be. She represents the past. I used to be a lot more like her and willing to talk shit about people and only see the ugliness in others as a way to make myself feel better. But it never really made me feel better because the ugliness I was seeing was what I really felt about me.

In the dream I was in the process of moving stuff out of a house I had been living in and there were people who were moving in while my stuff was still there. The important thing I noticed about the stuff I had to pack up was that it was all old stuff and I wasn't entirely sure why I still had it and it was a burden now to pack up and move. The young women who were moving in were putting all of my things in the basement and I felt overwhelmed by this.

In reality, I think this represented how the new was coming in to live within me regardless of whether or not the past was ready to vacate. And since this friend represents the past me, I believe her departing my life was a really positive sign about making a separation with the past and former me. I had hoped she could grow and awaken eventually, but since that hasn't happened, I feel grateful to her for leaving and being that meaningful symbol of the past falling away.

I think perhaps some of the other lessons I have been taught in this last week of experiences that made me feel out of sorts is that it is okay to set clear boundaries with people. It is okay to speak my truth and say where people are not allowed to tread and tell them it is not okay to treat me in a certain way. I have tolerated far too much verbal abuse and it is okay to let people and the past go.

Photo by Alexander Lazarov
I have this visualization I used to do when I felt it was time to let certain people go from my life. I would see myself in a boat and all of these smaller boats with the other people in them connected to my boat with ropes. I would take a pair of sharp scissors and I would see myself cutting through the rope disconnecting us and severing the ties. I would then thank them for their role in my life, wish them well and say goodbye as I watched them float away. I think I am long overdue for another one of my visualizations to liberate me from connections that no longer serve my highest good. It is time to let the past go and watch it float away.

Tuesday, March 22, 2016

True Love, Best Friends, Life Lessons

I want to tell you about my best friend, Shannon. And when I say she is my "best friend", I don't mean she is my best friend of the moment. I mean she is my oldest and dearest friend in the whole wide world. I mean she is my "true love". Yes, that is right, I called her my true love. I think we can have many true loves. Our children, our family (if we happen to be close to them), romantic partners and best friends. If ever there was a true love, she is mine.

I posted an Instagram post recently and thanked different people who are inspirations and taught me life lessons by their examples. I thanked Shannon for teaching me loyalty. I looked back later and thought, "Geez that is so lame. She taught me SO much more than that." So that day I started thinking about the Instagram post I was going to create in honor of her....only the composition in my head got much too long for Instagram and I decided to turn it into a blog post.

Shannon is BEAUTIFUL....stunningly so. People stop in their tracks to look at her. The thing is about beautiful people, sometimes that's all the world sees. They look no further than the surface. Women were often jealous of her and men would fall all over themselves to be near her. Both sexes make assumptions about who she is as a person to suit themselves. Women were catty and mean and would try to see flaws just to make themselves better, and men would project onto her what they wanted her to be. Or worse yet, they would try to mold her into their ideal.

Shannon is so much more than just a pretty face. She is a beautiful soul.

Our very first encounter, Shannon probably doesn't even remember. I was in the 6th grade and was living across the street from West Junior High School where Shannon was in the 7th grade because her birthday was before the school year started...only a month before mine. I attended church school and would walk to school every morning. One day I chose to borrow my sister's high heeled shoes to wear to school and some kids were making fun of me. Shannon defended me and said she liked them and they should stop being mean. That is her nature. She is a champion for the down-trodden and the underdog. She will not tolerate seeing people mistreat her fellow human and I love that about her.

When Shannon and I first officially met, we didn't hit it off right away. It was later we bonded when we were 17 at a party that the Elvis Brothers were at in our home town of Columbia, Missouri. We were both standing nervously by the door and she commented about how insecure she was feeling about what she chose to wear. I told her she had nothing to worry about, that she looked gorgeous. Our friendship blossomed and I ended up supplanting her friend, Joyce, who hated me because she was very threatened by me. She could see how well we got along and she was rightly concerned about being displaced.

Thirty years have passed since that party. We have been through a myriad of things together, It hasn't always been easy and blissful. We have had our fights and periods of not talking. During all of it, I have grown and learned so much because of her....because of our friendship. She has been a shining light and that one friend that loves me, supports me and understands me no matter how much I might fuck up. She is there for me and that means everything.

Now you might think that means we live in the same city or at least near enough to "be there" for each other but we haven't lived in the same state as each other since we were 23. Our friendship has survived because of hundreds of written letters, hours upon hours on the phone and the occasional flight out to see each other. I don't believe for a minute that you need someone to be in the physical vicinity in order to maintain a close relationship with them. If they mean something to you, you will make the effort to keep the communication alive. And really...there it is....the key to any truly good relationship...communication.

People look at a beautiful person and automatically assume they are stupid. Why do we do that? Is it to make ourselves somehow feel superior? We are dismissive and assume they are shallow and full of ego. Beautiful people can experience all the same insecurities we all face but the only difference is, they don't generally get a lot of empathy or understanding that this is the case.

Shannon has always been a lover of literature, beautiful art and beautiful things. She is very intelligent. She made me feel positively dumb at times because she had such a voracious appetite for books and art from early on. I was in such a dark place back then, I was just trying to claw my way out to see some light. She was a shiny bright light for me to follow to find my way out.

Shannon is soft, feminine, and openhearted. No matter how many times her heart breaks, she still manages to keep her heart open so that she can love again. I have always been so guarded, cautious, hard, with a heart frozen in layers. Not many have been able to make it past the layers of ice and the bouncers that sit at the door to my heart. I admire her ability to allow, surrender and be vulnerable. She sparkles. She is adventurous and is a big risk taker. Both are qualities I lack. Her adventurous nature has helped to push me out of my comfort zone at times. She appreciates the little things in life. I mean she really values little gestures. Little loving gestures mean the world to her.

Shannon is dramatic, colorful and passionate. Her enthusiasm makes me laugh and she makes my whole life more colorful and better. There is nothing boring about this woman. She is spontaneous. I am so not but wish I were more so. She lives in the now. She isn't consumed with what happened last year. She doesn't fret about planning out life for the future because she is too busy living right now to concern herself. I think that is a beautiful quality. Previously, I have spent far too much of my life living in both the past and the future.

Shannon is fearless in her pursuit of her dreams and she is supportive of the dreams of others. She chased her dreams and stuck her neck out to give it her best shot. She has faced rejection and obstacles but she never gives up. Maybe her dreams evolve, grow and change, but she never stops taking steps to make her dreams come true. And if you have a dream, she is there to support you, tell you how talented you are and how you should follow your dreams too.I didn't get a lot of support for my dreams or what I was interested in growing up, so her faith and support has been invaluable to me. I have been so proud of her working her way up to taking on big responsibilities that I would never been brave enough to do. She is a make-up artist and opened her own business called Blush and Lashes. And then she opened her own modeling agency, Hello Gorgeous Models, at the encouragement of one of the models she worked with when she was working as a make-up artist. She works so hard and it can be really challenging on many levels for her, but she never gives up.

She takes being a parent very seriously and her children mean the world to her. To those she chooses to have close to her, she is very loyal to and would defend like a mama lion defends her cubs. I feel sorry for the person who dares to make her cross or unfairly treats someone she loves. She is full of fire and fierce. She isn't afraid of confrontation if the situation calls for it.

Remember when I said how important communication is to keeping a relationship alive? Yeah, she is great at that. She communicates well. She shares what she is feeling easily and is always ready to listen as well. Talking with her is gratifying because it is a mutual exchange. Some people you talk to it feels like you are talking to a wall. I almost said it is like talking to yourself but I actually answer myself so that doesn't work. lol Talking to a wall sucks and I have never felt that with Shannon. She empathizes, gets angry with me for those who have hurt me or offers loving advice when I need it. When I am happy and have something I want to share, she is the one I want to share it with because I know she will share in my joy as if it were her own experience and joy.

Through our difficult times Shannon has taught me forgiveness. She has been the first to end the silence and ask for reconciliation. Remember, her heart is open so it has helped her be forgiving also.

Shannon is social. She is light-hearted, laughs often and loves to play. I tend to be quite introverted and she often drags me out of my proverbial shell. When we are together, we can be silly and laugh and play. Some of my favorite and most playful memories were made with her. Some of the craziest predicaments I have been in were with her. And when we talk about the stories we created together, we still laugh and laugh.

Shannon is my true love, my soul sister, my very best friend. We both have other true loves that are blood ties, but the true love between friends is one of choice which makes it a precious flower worthy of being tenderly cared for because it enhances our life and makes it better with them in it.

I love you, Shannon!

Wednesday, March 16, 2016

Spiritual Invalidation

I started composing this one in my head days ago. I had to think it about it for awhile to allow myself time to cool down because I was pretty annoyed at that point.

Let's talk about those "well meaning" and maybe "not so well meaning" spiritual people who feel the need to invalidate our experiences with spiritual ideas, phrases and concepts. Maybe we have all done this at times without being aware of it, but I think it is time to shine a lamp on it and make us conscious of spiritual invalidation.

 1. If it is meant to be, it will happen.

So you are my friend I have come to you to voice frustration about my journey. Or maybe I am just giving you some of the details of my journey and you come back with, "If it is meant to be, it will happen." To that I say FUCK YOU. There is nothing comforting or helpful about that statement to me. If you are in the camp who believe in free will, then you should also understand that there are multiple outcomes based on our choices, so to tell me "if it is meant to be, it will happen," is really just a giant slap in the face. It invalidates the experience of the person who is sharing something with you.

Here is a novel idea. Instead of blanket generic spiritual statements, try being a fucking friend and just use active listening words. Or maybe just try to be the empath you ALL claim to be and try to feel what I am feeling. Just say something like, "I can imagine it must be difficult for you" or "Wow, you set up an interesting story to play out for this human incarnation."

2. Time doesn't exist.

I, myself, have talked with others about how time doesn't really exist but when I am telling you that I am struggling with the waiting for things to play out and unfold in my story, it is NOT helpful when you say, "Oh well time doesn't really exist. There is no time." To that I say, FUCK YOU.

In this dimension and in this physical existence, we have chosen to experience time. We have chosen to have a linear experience. WE CREATED TIME WITH OUR BELIEF, so FUCK OFF with your "time doesn't exist" bullshit. Last time I checked you still used a clock for your spiritual business appointments, your yoga classes or just meeting your friends for coffee. You still pay attention to where the sun is at in the sky and the seasons. We get to a certain season and we say, "It is that time of year." You don't get to Christmas and say "oh well time doesn't really exist so fuck celebrating Christmas on a specific date." You still celebrate your birthday as though you too are playing the time game. How old are you again? Is that not time related?

When I am struggling and I am confiding in you, just be a fucking friend and say, "I am so sorry you are feeling this way. And yeah, it must suck to not know when it will all play out." I don't need you to fix me. I just need you to listen and be supportive.

3. We are all one.

I am groaning just typing that phrase. Yes, we are all one and I have talked about it before. Just like every virus, bacteria, parasite, etc. operates as one being within the human body, but if you isolate them and look at them under a microscope, they can seem separate. That cold I got last year isn't what we identify as me, but it was part of the whole for a while. We CHOSE to experience being separate from source. We are all part of the same being blah, blah blah. But when I am sharing a joyous moment and talking about how great it feels to have connected with specific soul family members and you come back with "We are all one. We are all soul family." To that I say, FUCK YOU. Yes we are all connected but what we FEEL for various people differs and you can tell me that, "we can feel that for anyone" and I tell you, "that has NOT been MY experience." By saying that we are all one after I shared happy feelings about my connections, you are essentially trying to diminish and invalidate the importance of that connection and feeling. If we feel the exact same thing for every soul, why is it we have specific groups we work with over and over again?

When I share my joy with you, instead of shitting on what I just told you, try saying something like, "Oh I am so happy for you. Yes, that must be so nice," or "That is wonderful!"

4. Everything is planned. It is fate.

This is very similar to "if it is meant to be, it will happen" statement. There are those who choose to believe that we have no free will and that we plan out every single tiny detail of the stories we live out while we are here. It is similar to those people who spout, "It's God's will." It is yet another way not to take personal responsibility. You just say, "Welp, it's outa my hands. I have no control. It has all already been lived, played out and determined." If that were really the case, why are you here? Why did you bother coming to have this experience? If I went out to a pond and knew I couldn't swim and kept going further in and drown, would you say that that was "planned" and it was "fate"? Or is it possible that I had the power to not make the stupid CHOICE to go in the water in the first place when I knew I couldn't swim? These human lives are NOT all pre-determined and pre-destined. There is likely some planning of things you would like to happen but there is a lot of space for free will allowing us to fuck up and LEARN. Saying, "It was just meant to be," is another way of us trying to make ourselves feel better about the shit we are standing in. It is making lemonade out of being given lemons. And it is perfectly okay to roll with it and make the best of whatever situation that comes your way, but when you use that concept and fate statements to invalidate another person's experience, it is not okay.
5. Stay positive...keep those vibrations up.

I have touched upon this one before, but because it is SO prevalent within the spiritual community, I will speak of it again. If I have REAL feelings to express be they angry, sad, whatever that are deemed "lower vibrational" and you come back with "stay positive" or "you gotta keep your vibrations high," to that I say FUCK YOU! I didn't come to one of the most dense planets and dimensions not to feel some of the darker emotions. I did not step into a human body only to try to be exactly like we always are on the other side. I came here to FEEL every fucking emotion that comes my way, so when you say, "Stay positive," it is just another way you are spiritually invalidating my experience. If you want to stay positive 24/7 and not allow yourself to feel what you feel in the moment, great. But don't tell me I need to do as you do. It is the new age version of trying to "save your soul" from damnation. I feel what I feel in the moment. I express what I have to say and I release it. I don't hold on. I find my center again and I am good.

Instead of telling me to stay positive when I tell you my heart is bleeding or tell you that I am so angry, just say something like, "Man, that really does suck," or "I'm so sorry, I wish I could make the pain go away for you."

You don't have to try to fix me. Just be a friend, listen and offer support. If you can't do that, I love myself enough to say to you please KINDLY FUCK OFF. Thank you.

Monday, March 7, 2016

Self-Worth. Random Strangers, When People Walk Away

I admit that I have been utterly uninspired to write much of anything lately. I haven't felt much like talking to people. I haven't felt like socializing within the normal spiritual communities I have been known to socialize in. Instead I have simply allowed the current of the river to take me where it will. I have been floating.

I have been most active on Instagram lately. The only reason why I opened an Instagram account was because Deryck Whibley from Sum 41 told me to. Well not me specifically, but he opened an account and asked fans to follow him there. At first I hated Instagram and trying to familiarize myself with a new type of social network. From my Windows phone, Instagram felt very limiting. Thank god I read about 6Tag because it does Instagram better than Instagram least for Windows phones users. I still don't have all the capabilities that Android and IOS users have access to.

I didn't do much with my account at first. I played a little bit and posted pictures. Slowly but surely I started to use it more and more and in the continued use, the way I used it changed and evolved. I have all these quotes I have seen and saved to my phone. I also have a plethora of beautiful art I have seen and saved along the way. I have taken pleasure, lately, in pairing beautiful images with some of the wonderful quotes. I enjoy it and I feel I am good at it. When I click on my account, it looks like this beautiful quilt of artwork and photos from my various hikes. It is beautiful and it fills my heart and feeds my soul. If it pleases someone else too and they resonate, that is the icing on the cake. I sometimes go back and read my quotes and think, "Oh my god that quote is so good!" and feel happy I have shared it with others.

I had been sorely neglecting my Facebook companion-to-this-blog page. It bored me and I considered deleting it entirely but decided to start posting some of the art and quotes there as well. It has been more difficult to develop an audience on Facebook than it has on Instagram. I used to make fun of hashtags but they are a useful tool for people finding what interests them and I just don't think people on Facebook use hashtags in the same way as much. Regardless, I have decided to start posting some of the same material I am posting on Instagram on my Facebook page to hopefully give it new life.

During my time of following and interacting with specific high profile people on IG, I have had the opportunity to interact with a number of random people. I will reply to people if I feel moved to. I recently replied to someone about making and sharing art and I suddenly realized something about myself. I am really good at offering sincere support and the best advice I can in that moment. I also thought about my responses to people and I can genuinely say that in those moments where I am taking the time to give you encouragement, support and advice, I do it because I genuinely care about you, random stranger. Call me crazy, but I give a fuck and I care. In those moments I care and my only intention is to help and make you feel like someone sees you and cares. Maybe it will be the only interaction we ever have in this life, but for that brief interaction with you, I sincerely gave some of my heart to you and hoped you would feel better as a result. You matter to me.

And from that warm fuzzy we will tread into a darker place. lol Let's talk about those people who have been in your life and, for whatever reason, decide to walk away. To that I shrug and say "oh well". Regardless of what a caring and loving heart I have, I have also developed thick skin. The thing is, I am Marmite. And by that I mean that you either love me or hate me. My flavor is strong and not everyone can handle it. I am not for those with a delicate palate. I am for those who like strong coffee, dark beers and bleu cheese. I am used to people getting pissed and walking away. It used to make me cry when I was a child but as a 47-year-old adult, I just kind of shrug and say "oh well". I will miss you if you choose to remove yourself from my life, but I won't lose any sleep about it. My self-worth isn't wrapped up in what anyone else thinks of me. I happen to like me a lot. I like my own company. It has taken me 47 years to get to this place, but I love me and someone not liking me isn't going to shake my world and make me love myself less. I wish them well and say goodbye with love.

But should they want to come back...well, I forgive easily and would welcome them back. It is just my nature.

Wednesday, January 27, 2016

A Personal Dream, Death of Many, the Spiritual Journey

Art by Tom Bagshaw
The Dream:

February 23, 2015 I think Inara (my daughter) and I were somewhere but it doesn't feel like home. We are visitors. But we long for when we get to go back home. I know we don't have much time left so I am trying to get things cleaned up before we leave the place we have been staying. It feels like it is taking forever and then Amrik shows up and helps us tidy and I think, "Damn! He did that faster than we ever could have done it!" There was something about a tsunami coming and it takes out a bunch of people who are down low on the beach. I see big logs being flung around in the water.

Nuno in L’Uomo Vogue
I think this is where Nuno Bettencourt (a semi-known musician) comes in. It seems he has just woken up and I ask him what he wants to eat and if he wants some coffee. He asks for a tomato and mayo sandwich. So I say, okay. But I don't get it to him right away. I think because of the water...the tsunami. We have to move to higher ground and I am carrying him...only he is no longer in a body. I put him in a skeleton so he would be easier to carry. The elevator is packed and it doesn't look safe. The door is almost closing on people and it looks like people could get hurt. I opt for the stairs but first stop by a shop that has a chair which I tie the skeleton to so that it is easier to take him up the stairs without losing any parts. I traded the shop keeper something like a large purple/indigo net (kind of like hammock netting) that I said was valuable and told her I would be back with her chair to trade back. The shop keeper was in agreement and was happy with the exchange because the color matched many of the items she carried in her shop.

Nuno expressed sadness about the people who had been taken. I hesitated to say anything because I didn't know if he was ready and then I asked him, "Why? Do you know about the afterlife? People get recycled. No one truly dies. There is nothing to be sad about. Those people on the beach are okay even if their bodies aren't." We get up stairs and we are in a room and I have restored him to his body. I feel a lot of love for him. He sees a picture of Deryck Whibley on something and he mentions something about him.

Deryck Whibley performing with Sum 41 in Argentina. Photo by Valeria Solange

I start telling him about Deryck and who is inside of him. I ask again what he wants to eat and then say, "oh that's right tomato and mayo sandwich." I am getting ready to leave him even though it is hard. I give him a pendant and on it is a lion and horseshoe and I tell him it is for luck and to keep it near. It is gold and I take it off the silver chain and give the pendant to him. He thanked me. I remember some other woman being present. She was a friend...a co-worker. She said something but I can't remember what. It feels like he has feelings for me too and that is all I remember.

The Interpretation:

While all dreams, I believe, can be looked at as very personal and everyone is an aspect of us, the interpretation I am going to present is the bigger picture one.

Notice how I say we are "visitors". I believe fully that despite the many lives I may have had here, I am still just a "visitor". I have many, many of these dreams where I am preparing to go home but I have to clean up and get things sorted before I leave. I believe the "cleaning up" I am doing is wrapping up loose ends and old unresolved karma. When I see myself cleaning up shit (actual poop) in my dreams, I see this as cleaning out the internal crap that we carry with us from lifetime to lifetime. Sometimes letting go is all we have to do and other times there is more involved like forgiveness and/or making amends. I believe my time here on Earth is coming to a close and soon I will be allowed to go home. Some people will think home as in "heaven" or "the other side" but I think it means home as in the solar system I originate from in my other body.

The tsunami meaning from a bigger picture point of view to me speaks of what is happening now with so many people dying in one way or another. So much apparent distress in the world with natural disasters, wars, mass shootings, and just general deaths from illness. I posted this in a group when this subject came up and I think it is relevant to what I witnessed in the dream:

November 22, 2015 You just have to view it at as birthing pains. I have said it before and I will say it again. Birth of a beautiful baby (new Earth) is sometimes bloody and very painful if you aren't hooked up to drugs to numb everything you feel. There will be more of this but, maybe this pinnacle is like the transition phase. It is like that excruciating contraction that feels like it will never end. And then all of a sudden we have to push. Our bodies say it is time to push. And guess what? When you are pushing that beautiful new life out, shit comes out with it and it can't be helped. It just is the way of things. Not only did I shit when I pushed, but that new thing I pushed out was shitting all over me and I just didn't care. I once heard in a half awake state, "find the calm in the center of the wave and ride it out." I think that is what we have to do. As passionate as we feel about it, we have to find the calm in the center of the wave. During contractions we are encouraged to breathe to ease the pain. Maybe when we are triggered we need to practice a little deep breathing in order to find our center again. The best way to change the world is to lead by example. By all means, share information. I think we are not trying to wake up the entire planet. Just enough to tip the balance and put into effect the hundredth monkey theory. Once you have a certain percentage who are awake and get it, it becomes a part of the collective consciousness and the others automatically know what we know because enough people have inserted the knowledge into the collective. We have to lead by example. We have to step away from the safety of FB once in a while and actually connect with fleshy people in order to be part of the solution. Everything is going to be okay. Just remember that sometimes when it seems like everything is falling apart, sometimes it has to fall apart before it can come together. The old has to be disassembled before a new foundation can be built.

My friend, Ashley wrote a perfect blog post that goes with what I am saying here.

When I go to the shop and exchange a purple-indigo hammock-type thing, I believe this represents checking in my abilities at the door so that I can work my way up to awakening and knowledge exactly the way most "local" humans would do it. Remember, I am a visitor and not from this place. So I checked in all of my seemingly extraordinary abilities so I can awaken and remember and build the abilities that are accessible to all of us if we just develop and work at it. Again, this is about teaching by example. I share my journey, my mistakes, my successes in case someone somewhere gets something out of it.

The elevator and stairs to me represents the spiritual journey. There are many who try to take a fast track to "ascension". The elevator was packed because people are all of a sudden recognizing the need to wake up, but they are trying to bypass steps spiritually and it doing so, it isn't the best route because it isn't actually safe.

You can read more about Spiritual Bypassing here:

I believe the representation of Nuno as a skeleton is about a primary soul mate who came to me first in spirit. Later in the dream he is restored to a body which to me is speaking of the process of spirit walking into a body.

There are lots of meanings to silver and gold that can be looked up. What the chain and pendant speak to me of is confirmation of who Nuno actually represents by the symbols on the pendant....lion and horse. Those totems belong to my primary soul mate. The separation of the chain from the pendant to me represents the separation I will have from him. Is it permanent for this human incarnation? Possibly. It is really hard to say.

Friday, January 15, 2016

I Am Not From this Solar System, Star Beings, Aliens

Time to get my freak on. lol

Let's talk aliens.

Early on in my spiritual journey...

I talk like I have been doing this so long but it only really started March 24, 2011 when my dog, Phoenix, died. I haven't been on this crash course all that long, but sometimes it feels like a million years ago. That is because it probably was millions of years ago that I came to this planet. Grab your popcorn because mama is going to tell you a bedtime story. lol

When I was trying to discover what persona Erik had come to me as in a powerful visitation, I won a reading from psychic medium Melissa Hevenor. Sadly she is battling for her life from the same insidious monster that took some great famous men recently...cancer. She is still doing readings if you think you have a question you want to ask. Melissa's reading for me, in retrospect, is pure gold because I didn't realize then the path it would help point me towards.

Here is her email reading for me:

Dear Oktobre,

Thank you for the honor of reading for you. 

1) Erik's past life name was Baruch, which means blessed inn Hebrew. I actually didn't know it was a name when I first heard it from my guide, but indeed it is! And, sometimes, Baruch
in English can be Bruce. I can also feel from the vibration that his spirit is highly evolved and angelic. I do think that you and he were healers, during the Atlantis era. In fact, your energy vibrates in tune with that of an Atlantis goddess. If. You are unfamiliar with Atlantis, look into it a little bit because I think you would resonate with the understandings of the time frame. 

2) in terms of distinguishing between messages from your guides, it is important to connect with them whenever possible in the same area of your house and ask for your main guide that you have contact with, to give you a physical sign on your body so that you know when you get messages that they are specifically from that guide. Ffor instance, my guide Robin, is always on m y left side, and I feel her energy whenever I am channeling psychic or mediumship information as a way to validate that the information is coming from a divine source, once you have chosen a special place to connect, regularly, in the house, your energy and your guide will know that you are there specifically to connect with them. Over time, you will become familiar with the repetitive physical indications rom your guide, and be able to distinguish messages regularly wherever you are. If you do find that you don't feel a physical confirmation,you can always  specify where you want your guide to  let you know when a message is from them, such as asking them to brush your cheek or feel tingling sensation on your head, but, at first, if all is good just ask for indication and see what they give you. sometimes, you have to  try for about a week before knowing for sure.
It is not uncommon for reincarnates that lived during Atlantis such as yourself,to sing or have musical talent. Please, honey, try to work on eliminating your fear for singing in public, because it is part of your spiritual path to share your gifts as it is through the vibrations that generate from your voice, that the world can receive healing. Try to begin making videos on YouTube, where you can sing on your own, but still share it with others. 

3) I'm sorry to bring this up again, but it's very important. You have to sing. Also, I see you writing something that's very important. Not exactly about your life, but stories that are related to some of your own experiences that are also a part of helping others to heal. You have so much creative energy as well as intuition and healing. It is important that you share yourself, energetically, through creative projects related to the music and writing. And, I definitely see you getting several tattoos in the future. One is related to your guide and another that has musical notes involved:) I look forward to watching your YouTube videos!:)

It means a great deal to me what you said about my music video. It was not so much to share my singing but to share lyrics as a person who is passionate for music, but whose talents gravitate more towards writing than singing. Regardless, your words touched me deeply. Please let me know that you received this e-mail. Love , light and blessings Melissa
When Melissa said I had "goddess" energy, I interpreted that as "star being". I think a lot of our so called gods, goddesses and angels are simply star beings, aka Aliens.

I started researching different groups of aliens to try to sort out which group I might resonate with. There are tons of lists and traits and I find them mostly ridiculous and not helpful at all. I have gotten the message over and over from intuitives and my dreams that I am meant to be a healer, so for a little while I tried very hard to access the akashic records via my dreams. I asked my guides one night to please show me a life that could help me awaken the abilities I have been shown lay dormant inside me.

That night I went to sleep and they showed me a single word written on paper: HALCIONE

It was spelled exactly like that and I went to the internet to understand its meaning. Human me thought they were talking about an immigrant ship which took immigrants from the UK to New Zealand. I scoured the existing passenger lists to see if any of the names jumped out at me and only one resonated....Sarah J. Friend. She is listed as a cook and was 23. The name Sarah has always stirred something in me and I have never known why. I still don't know why. lol The number 23 is the number I associate with River. He died when he was 23 and was born August 23rd, so when I see that number, I think of him. She was a cook which is a paternal family name. But Sarah J. Friend and the ship she was a passenger on was a dead end.

The spelling "Halcione" I believe is a Greek variation of Halcyon. I looked up the definition:

1. calm; peaceful; tranquil:
halcyon weather.
2. rich; wealthy; prosperous:
halcyon times of peace.
3. happy; joyful; carefree:
halcyon days of youth.
4. of or relating to the halcyon or kingfisher.
5. a mythical bird, usually identified with the kingfisher, said to breed about the time of the winter solstice in a nest floating on the sea, and to have the power of charming winds and waves into calmness.
6. any of various kingfishers, especially of the genus Halcyon.
7. (initial capital letter) Classical Mythology. Alcyone (def 2).

Although birds are powerful messengers for me in my life, I didn't think this word was about a bird. I skipped down to number 7 and searched further:

1. a third-magnitude star in the constellation Taurus: brightest star in the Pleiades.
2. Also, Halcyon, Halcyone. Classical Mythology. a daughter of Aeolus who, with her husband, Ceyx, was transformed into a kingfisher.

I researched both the Greek Goddess and the central sun in the Pleiades star system. While the tragic love story was compelling, I didn't sense this was the direction I needed to go. Seven Sisters has been a name that has come up in my life over and over. A musician I was drawn to, Dan Reed, has a song on an early album called "Seven Sisters Road". The man I would eventually marry started a fan website called Seven Sisters Road. It was only when my husband bought his new Subaru Crosstrek and he was telling me that the emblem was of the seven sisters but only depicted 6 stars because only 6 can be seen with the naked eye that it all kind of clicked and I KNEW that I was being pointed to the Pleiades.

In another reading by Janine Regan Sinclair, she saw Erik and I as star beings and we were healers. Sound familiar? So I connected the dots and deduced that I come from the Pleiades which is where my soul resonates most with.

But it didn't stop there. I had a good friend stop everything she was doing and call me. She was in the middle of moving and she stopped in her moving truck to call me and tell me about the vision she just saw. She said she saw my star being body and I was lying in stasis and we were being looked after by greys. She said my body had blue skin. There was more than me present who were in stasis. The thing is, what she meant was that this was my OTHER body...currently. The body I am in now is simply an avatar and my consciousness is being projected into it. I couldn't say for sure when I started having human lives, but sometime after Atlantis and Egypt, a group of beings went into stasis and our bodies where taken underground.

When I talked to Shannon Johnson about being in stasis during a session, she elaborated on what they were showing her. She told me that several groups/races from the Pleiades had volunteers step forward to be put into stasis to help assist the planet in raising and holding the vibrations of the planet. She saw it as our sleeping bodies sending out a pulse to the planet. She said there were 3 from my group who were together in stasis and that other groups were in other locations around the world. I believe fully that these bodies are being kept underground. I had a dream which I believe was showing where my Pleiadian body sleeps. Dolores Cannon's books provide regressions from people who recall information that seems to confirm that all of this is true.

December 8, 2015 Let me recall what I remember best. I was back as a nanny at a house. I see a little boy who doesn't belong. He is hiding out in the house. He doesn't want to go back to his people. I see a group of people outside the window and I have this feeling the father is abusive. I was just going to let him stay longer but one of the kids saw him and I knew they would tell someone that he was there. I ask him if he would like to live with me. In the dream I am single and have no kids. I thought I could probably call social services and tell them he was abused and file to be his foster parent. The boy is elated and he hugs me. 
Later there is some discussion about where I will sleep. Thomas is asking and his dad, Kerry, is nearby. I told him that I would figure it out. We get in a car the three of us and start driving. I see a mountain with snow on top but it isn't quite as big as other mountains I have seen. I mention that I didn't remember that there were mountains where they lived. I said it was pretty but relatively small. I am wondering if anyone ever hikes the mountain but I see no trails. We get around to the other side and I get excited because I saw an entrance and you can go inside and I mentioned how I wanted to go inside. I started to wake there.

Well shortly after there was a blog post about aliens on Channeling Erik and I clicked on the link even though I rarely ever read that blog anymore. Erik said there was an alien base in a mountain in France, so I had a look to see if any of the mountains that came up reminded me of the one from my dream. I found one and will include the article HERE.

"Some French and international websites devoted to the apocalypse claim that the mountain of Bugarach is a sacred place that will protect them from the end of the world. Some even believe that, on doomsday, they will be spirited away by a group of aliens who live under the mountain. The date in question is when a 5,125-year cycle in the Mayan calendar supposedly comes to a close."

I was STUNNED when I read that little blurb. It was such a huge confirmation to me that everything which I was thinking and feeling about this is correct.

In one of the earliest dreams I had that felt really meaningful, I dreamed I was a vampire. It might sound funny, but if you are familiar with Anne Rice, then you will also be familiar with the story of the Queen of the Damned. Akasha and her husband sit stone-like as if asleep but all the while listening to the thoughts and prayers of humans. And one day, the brat prince Lestat awakens Akasha with his rock music. If you think about it, being in stasis, not dead and part of your consciousness out wandering about living lives sounds a lot like "the living dead" or a vampire, so the reference is very relevant to unraveling the story that is hidden in the symbolism.

When my daughter was about 4, I had gone to bed early as I wasn't feeling well. When she came in the bedroom to go to sleep with me, I heard her exclaim to her father, "I see a person!" He is a non-believer so didn't pursue it. In the morning I asked her about the person she saw. Apparently it was a female with yellow long hair, purple skin and a green dress. The street light glows a pinkish orange which could make blue skin appear purple. This person was watching me. Was this person star family? I believe it was.

I had another dream which I believe was me revisiting my frozen body.

April 9, 2015 This dream I just had I was going back to an old house I had lived in. It feels cold. There is bread left behind on a shelf. A lot of it. I remember a violet purple and white checkered table cloth and there is a matching dress to the table cloth. I see a living room and it has built in seating...but it is hard concrete seating and needs cushions. It is small but cozy and I wonder why I left. Some of my pets have followed me inside. I am going to have to shoo them out before I leave. The house is empty.

I believe this dream is a memory of how I and some of my people came to be here:

September 3, 2015 The dream jumps and I see these kind of white iridescent rings. They shimmer a kind of see through rainbow and they are spaced an equal distance apart. I am curious. It feels like I am in a building. I walk through this ring and I am sucked through and I am traveling at a fast speed. I had the thought "oh I remember this. This is a worm hole" and it is taking me around almost like a roller coaster ride. I am moving through solid objects. I am passing through an arcade and I think the destination might be inside this arcade game, but it is not and I go through the game. I eventually wind up in an area that looks like my reality but some people are talking about something that happened and speaking of it as a my story from where I came from was a fairy-tale story in this one. I think I said something to the people that it was no fairy-tale and they were speaking about me. I was going to try to leave but now it is like I am two people with a tether....string...connecting us and there is a big ball on the end. We decide we need to go back to where we came from but the ball gets tangled and stuck when we throw it. I am working at trying to untangle us. It was like the string was tangled on a roller coaster rail. I finally got it enough and halved the string so there wasn't as much to get tangled and I threw the ball through the wormhole ring. We started to move but it was weak and not fast enough to take us out. We were stuck there. There was something about how the wormhole was stronger at certain times so we would have to wait until it had grown stronger again. We were stuck there until then in this alternate world that looked like ours but wasn't. The people were excited and gathered around us and offered to take us in. They were excited to have real live fairy-tale characters among them. We were a curiosity. I remember walking along with the group of people and looking to the right and seeing what looked like a gorilla like creature but it had tall antlers coming from its head. It was glowing white but looked to be a statue. I don't remember anything else.

This dream I believe is telling me that I am a star being even though I had been living my life assuming I was human like everyone else. I think The ring is about my dormant healing abilities and in the dream I want to keep them hidden. I am resisting giving to the people something that could help them all. I can't even begin to know what the type of healing it is that I possess other than what I have seen in my dreams where massive amounts of energy comes from my hands and sometimes pulsing out from my heart chakra.

November 25, 2014 Where to start....hmmm....

What I remember first was missing the school bus. I was getting ready and was too slow. I see the bus below from a second story window and figure I will have to be given a ride by someone or just stay home. Either way, I didn't feel concerned. At one point I was out front with either siblings or other people who lived in the house. I remember seeing helicopters 3 of them and I wasn't sure what they were doing. Some men appeared on our front sidewalk and told us we should go inside and we should try to call our parents and get them to come home and stay inside for a while. I remember looking at my phone and trying to use it, but it wasn't working. There was no signal and all I saw on the screen was fuzz. I asked them what was going on but they wouldn't answer. They showed me a piece of paper and asked if anyone had given us one of these. I said no, even though apparently that wasn't true, because after they left, we took our piece of paper out back and was trying to read it. Someone held it up and shined a light on it. When they did this, the English writing went away and alien vertical writing appeared and glowed along with some shapes. It seemed like the men were coming back so we took the paper inside and hid it. The concern we had about radiation or chemical warfare went away because we now knew this was about aliens.

I seem to recall having gone to my room where everything appeared to be white. It feels like I got dressed into something and wrapped up in a blanket. I was trying to rest. Later, I came out of my room and was with others down stairs. There was a couple...young guy and girl and I remember saying something to the guy and he understood what I just said. I was surprised because I had totally forgotten that he was deaf and he loved this...that I treated him like anyone else. He was so happy and the girl mentioned this. I gave him a hug and he started rapping. lol I was surprised someone who couldn't hear could rap so well. I think I started to stumble/fall but I changed it and turned it into acrobatics. In the process, I had grabbed a chair and was using it in my tumble but I didn't stop. I just kept going. It felt like a dance and I brought the guy into my dance with me. He loved it and at the end I gave him a long and meaningful hug. I was into him and him into me at that point.

For some reason I go to the front door. I think there are people trying to come in. I dart off into a side room/closet and hope they don't notice me when they come in and then while the people were coming in the front door and going past, I suddenly realize there is someone in the closet with me. He is pale...almost white with foam coming out of the right side of his head. I asked him if he was one of the people they were looking of the aliens. I wasn't scared. I was super calm and just talking to him. I can't remember what he said but I have a knowing that they had been coming here and infiltrating society for a while and specifically, my household. I wasn't sure who else of the staff and others who lived there were one of them. I think I was a member of a wealthy family.

I seem to recall some sort of test where you rubbed your finger across the ice. If it turned up red, you were a real human. If is was clear, you were one of them. People were turning up as them that I was surprised about. I think I ran my finger over the ice and it was clear. The people who had come into the house were looking for something specific. I see a ring on the right ring finger of a girl's hand at some point. At times I viewed from outside and then at times I was the girl. This ring was special and was what they were looking for. They called it some sort of crystal and I was shown what it could do. I saw an oval stone in iridescent colors be held up to the forehead of one of the aliens and it helped to heal him. Without it, they used and depleted much of their own energy to help each other. I still didn't want to let my ring go and I found a shell with mother of pearl on the inside and suggested they see if this was what they were looking for.

I think I woke up about there. There was likely more details that I forgot, but that is the bulk of what I remember.

When I look back at my life and the things I was attracted to, it was all there trying to show me what I had forgotten. I fell in love with TV shows like the short running The Phoenix where the main character had a hawk friend he communicated with and he was on a mission to find his partner. Then there were movies like Escape From Witch Mountain where Tony and Tia were siblings who got stranded on Earth when their ship crashed. They forgot they weren't from Earth because their own world looked similar. They had abilities like telepathy and communication with animals that were unlike the humans around them. I loved Star Trek and Battlestar Galactica. I loved all things having to do with witches, ghosts and vampires. I loved the things many people feared.

So what am I supposed to do with all of this knowledge about my origins? I have no idea, but I suspect one day when I leave this physical body behind, I will return to my Pleiadian body and sleeping giants will awake. Maybe I will get to finally go home to my own solar system.

What are your dreams trying to show you? What attractions did you have as a child which were trying to show you what you forgot when you stepped into a physical body and developed amnesia? Will you delve into your own story so you can remember who you really are?

Edgar Cayce says there was a first wave of souls that came here to be the first to incarnate into the physical. It was a disaster and the first souls who came in forgot their divinity. They forgot who they really were and became stuck. Another wave of souls came in with the intention of helping the first wave souls remember, but in doing so, many of the second wave forgot who they were too and have been working ever since to try to remember so that they can help the rest.

Right now is the time to wake up and remember who you really are. In the end, yes, we are all an aspect of God but you need to pick up the pieces of yourself which the clues from your life are trying to point you to and you are ignoring. Your interests are trying ever so hard to remind you of who you are and have been. Your dreams are screaming "Remember me!" and yet you ignore them and brush them off as nothing more than subconscious meanderings about what you experienced that day.
Dreams have layers and multiple meanings and the sooner you understand that, the sooner you can put the pieces together of your own puzzle to start remembering who you really are.

Do you hear that? It is the sound of the alarm clock telling you it is time to wake up.