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Tuesday, September 1, 2015

A Retraction...sort of...

Deryck Whibley
I have been thinking a lot after I wrote my last blog post. I have calmed down a lot since I wrote it. I felt kind of bad for the things I said and debated taking it down entirely. Why would I even hesitate to remove it, you might wonder. Because I actually do want Deryck to take this beautiful opportunity he has to REALLY make a difference and DO something meaningful with it. I really do want him to understand the influence he has on all of his fans and to use it wisely for something that isn't self-serving.

This is a Syrian woman trying to keep her baby from drowning.
"In all, some 300,000 people have crossed the Mediterranean Sea into Greece and Italy this year alone, according to the office of the United Nations High Commissioner for Refugees.
Of those, at least 2,373 have died, according to the International Organization for Migration."copied from HERE. The attacks on the World Trade Center killed 2,753 people. Isn't it time we get moved into action and try to DO something to help these people? I implore people to give a shit about what is going on in the world. Get involved. If you think it isn't your problem, think again. We are ONE planet and ONE people.

A Syrian family tries to stay together.There is a crisis going on for these people. They are HUMANS and they need compassion and assistance. Instead they are experiencing hate and being arrested.

This is a Turkish bride and groom who thought it would be better to feed the Syrian refugees with what they would have spent on a wedding reception. I posted an article about this on Deryck's Facebook page, but I suspect it was entirely ignored.
Deryck's wedding reception on Sunday at Hotel Bel Air in Beverly Hills.

Another shot of the reception. They were dancing and oblivious to the pain and suffering being experienced by so many. Can you see and understand why I got so upset?

Despite how harsh I have been, the truth is, I care about him a lot. I wouldn't waste my anger and time on someone I hate. My anger stems from caring too much and feeling frustrated that an amazing opportunity is being wasted on superficial nonsense. You might wonder if this is typically how I treat someone I care about deeply. The answer to that would be, yes, this is typical for me. Hahaha The only physical fight I ever got into where three cop cars pulled up to break it up was with my very best friend in all the world. (Happy Birthday, Shannon! I love you!) Thirty years later she is still my very best friend. I mean, I am not an asshole usually but when I get fired up about something, I don't have a lot of filters. There isn't much standing in the way between the thought and saying it. I don't ponder, "Should I say that?" I just blurt it out and there it is. It isn't always pretty when that happens, but on the plus side, my friends know they will get an honest answer when they ask me for my opinion about something.

But what if my words piss Deryck off enough that he never wants to talk to me again? If my words make him say, "Fuck you, bitch. I will prove how NOT shallow I am!" and then he goes out and gets passionate about something and as a result his fans get passionate about the same thing, then sacrificing any future friendship with him is worth it. I want my words to light a fire so strong that it isn't likely to go out. If I can create a domino effect that creates change in the world, I would happily sacrifice myself for that.

Peyton aka _sum41_
Part of what calmed me down was talking to a Sum 41 fan I adore. (Hi, Peyton!) I mentioned about going through comments that fans post on Facebook and Instagram and reading a lot of them. Sure there are the idiots who all say the same or mention some of the things I have discussed in previous blog posts, but I haven't talked yet about the gems amongst the sea of throw away comments. I have previously gone through comments and responded to people who have gotten real and poured out their hearts. I wanted them to feel like they have been seen and heard even if it wasn't by their hero. It gave me pause to think about because I really do care about these kids and I was ready to just walk away in a fit of anger. It made me stop and think, "What the fuck are you doing, Oktobre?!"

 These kids are AMAZING! They are talented artists like Peyton Mallory...

Art: Peyton Mallory
Art: Peyton Mallory

and Dario Ponessa (aka the_jester_art)...

Art: Dario Ponessa (aka the_jester_art)

and poets and musicians like Nicholis Klopper...


Some of them are voices of reason who I know are always going to say something sensible and level-headed like Jimmy Capel and Joey Padron. There are those who are cheerleaders and faithfully support Deryck and his band and are unwavering like Lula Whibley, Veenza41, ga_muser, and Linameww. They are this beautiful community of artists, poets, musicians and misfits and I adore them and applaud them. How can I simply walk away from this community? I can't no matter how annoyed or irritated I get about things and my guides know it. lol

Deryck, I apologize for being so harsh and hurtful.

Saturday, August 29, 2015

The Responsibility of Celebrity

I have a bone to pick.

My guides wanted me to follow this "celebrity" and interact with him. I have done as they asked and I studied him at length.

Over a year later, I no longer wish to comply with my guides requests. I am weary and this guy is anything but deep. His biggest concern is trying to see where he can get a little press be it from trying to milk the story about the old guitarist coming back to conveniently having a photo placed on the wedding planner's page that gives away the date and location of the wedding that is to take place tomorrow. I suspect that was meant for the press and paparazzi to find. I mean, you gotta milk even your most tender moments for press, right? *rolls eyes* His home address was totally given away in comments on Instagram and I warned both him and his drummer about it in a private message, but the comment stating what street he lives on is still there. Maybe I am brighter than most, but I assume if I was able to find his home address in 5 minutes based on information he, his fiance and some dumb guy named "Mike" gave, well, anyone can. I just have to SMH

This guy had potential. He has this amazing platform and his primary audience are kids, who are the most malleable of audiences. The kids are our future, right? He has this amazing opportunity to actually stand for something and fight for causes....real causes. Not which pair of shoes he will wear for the night or what guitar he should use on the album. So far he has completely pissed away his opportunity to help create a better world. Are you really that shallow and superficial that your biggest concern is your superficial friends and your superficial little world? Are your blinders so big that you can't see what is happening in the world? WAKE THE FUCK UP! Take your fucking blinders off and actually stand for something real with depth. And please, please, please stop saying that you just didn't know that alcohol would do what it did to you. It just makes you look really stupid because the truth is EVERYONE knows that too much alcohol will kill you. It doesn't have to be a period of years to destroy you. It can simply be one night of excess and alcohol poisoning will take you out. We have all heard stories about it, so please stop playing the dumb card and just take responsibility for your self-destructive behavior.

I think celebrities need to realize the influence they have and put that to use to do something good. I mean REALLY do something. Not just use their face to bring attention to a cause, but to get pissed off and really passionate about it. Get their hands dirty and DO something to create change in this world to make it a better place.

There are a few who I can say I respect and admire. Brad Pitt for the work he has done for the last 10 years in New Orleans to get the poor back into GOOD housing. Not just some shithole thrown together that is not energy efficient. No, he made sure it was quality homes that were energy efficient. Keanu Reeves is known for being a wonderful giving soul who cares about people and the issues. Russell Brand, love him or hate him he is out speaking his truth and I adore him for being so passionate about it. Jim Carey has stood up and spoken out and regardless of your stance on vaccinations, he is using his celebrity for something that isn't just self-serving. Let's talk about Joe Rogan. He knows what is going on on a spiritual level and he has been a big advocate for legalizing cannabis. Cannabis HEALS and it needs to be legal far and wide. There are SO many useful things that cannabis can be used for. I don't use it recreationally but I voted to have it legalized in my state because it needs to be a plant in our environment again because it is a medicinal plant that can be used in so many helpful ways. Emma Watson...omg I just love her for standing up for women and caring about the treatment of animals when choosing the products she buys.

We need more celebrity heroes who actually are worth following and stand for something. Our planet is in dire straits. We have to change or we will successfully exterminate ourselves. We are mowing down the forests that give us oxygen. We are polluting the waters with radiation, toxic mining waste and fracking. We are killing the bees so that we can have neat and tidy lawns. We are polluting the air and killing the soil.

I know it isn't likely for any celebrities to read this blog post, so I implore audiences to give a shit and choose celebrity heroes who have substance and depth who aren't afraid to get their hands dirty and aren't afraid to stand up and speak out for things they believe in.

Monday, August 3, 2015

Why Does This Always Happen to Me?


 How many times have you heard someone say something similar to this?

"Why does this always happen to me?"

Maybe you have uttered those words at some point in your lifetime and maybe you have heard it from friends. I know in my younger years I used to say it a lot.

*drum roll*

The reason this keeps happening to you is because there is a lesson that you aren't getting. When you don't get the lessons that life is throwing at you, life will happily throw more of the same shit your way until you finally get it.

When I say "life" I really mean you/your higher self because you create your entire reality. It's okay if you don't want to take responsibility for your reality and keep saying that others are doing this to you, but the sooner you do take responsibility, the sooner you can become a conscious creator and turn things around. The sooner you look at the situations that always happen to you, the sooner you can identify where you need to make some adjustments and make different choices so you don't have to keep experiencing the same situation a million times only with different people.

Denial is a powerful thing and there are plenty who want to whine and complain and think that they aren't at fault and it is everyone else who is doing this to them. Hahahaha Sorry, but it really makes me laugh when that happens. I have been there and I KNOW. I was full of excuses and blame and nothing was ever my fault. I get it, but I also get that you can't ever grow to your full potential and have the experiences you think you want to have until you can humble yourself and look in the mirror and recognize that the reason "this" keeps happening to you stems from you alone.


We manifest every single experience...good and bad. But good and bad is a judgement therefore in the end there are only experiences. The sooner you look at every experience in your life as a learning opportunity, the sooner you will actually examine each experience and GAIN something positive no matter how painful. It tends to be the painful experiences that help us to grow the most. When I look back at my life, it is the experiences I didn't think I would survive that helped transform me the most.

Friday, July 10, 2015

Embracing Change and The Oddity of Fandom Part 2

 

I debated staying up last night to write about what was bouncing around my head but I was too tired so opted for sleep instead. Now I am stuck composing this on my phone which I really didn't want to have to do, but what are you going to do when the only computer is being occupied? There is nothing left to do but adapt and push forward. I need to get this out of me. It needs to be said. It doesn't matter if anyone ever reads it. I will feel better for having said it.

A band I follow recently posted an announcement for a pre-order for the new album they are recording. It isn't as if the new album was news to the people who are following them closely but everyone was excited for the opportunity to pre-order the long awaited new album. So many comments flooded in. There were lots of positive comments but then there are always those that like to tell the band what sound it should have and that it should sound like blah blah blah previous album. They don't want any ballads. They don't want another Screaming Bloody Murder album. They don't want this and they don't want that. They are pissed off because Dave and Stevo are no longer in the band. They want Deryck to stop wearing hats. They want Deryck to always wear his hair spiked the way he used to. They always want them to have campy silly photo shoots. Never let us see you have matured and grown. Better not age either because that might piss off some. People feel so entitled to say some of the most horrendous things to celebrities as if they aren't human and have no feelings. I'm sure this isn't an exclusive phenomenon experienced only by Sum 41. I'm pretty sure this fear of change is felt by every band who has any kind of following. I sat there reading the comments and I got really annoyed and was thinking "Fuck off!" I am still not sure why I got so annoyed and took the comments so personally. I am not a musician but I do consider myself an artist of sorts...a writer/poet. 

This isn't a new topic. I have discussed it in comments on the Sum 41 Instagram page. More than once I have discussed how I feel about it all. From a spiritual stand point, I understand that the people who want the music and the band to stay exactly the same have a fear of change and this is being reflected in their desire to keep the things in their life exactly the same. Their desire to keep things exactly the same is so strong that they try to control those around them...including the bands they love. They threaten to not be a fan anymore or they say mean and hateful things. It would be very easy to get upset and lash out at some of these people but each person has a story. Each person has feelings and their reactions are based in a fear of change. I had to step away, pause and think about it instead of reacting out of anger.

Perhaps the best I can do is write this blog and try to show them that their desire to keep their favorite band exactly the same is based in a fear of change and reflects their own fear of moving forward and change in their own lives. The majority of the Sum 41 fans are angsty teens whose whole lives feel volatile and unstable because they are nearing that point where big changes are getting ready to take place be it leaving high school, starting college, etc. Kids are highly hormonal at that point as well, therefore emotions are all over the place. They desire something constant and stable in their lives if they have a sense that their life is out of control...which is why they seek to try to control what matters to them most like a band whose music speaks to their angst.

My hope is that some of these people will recognize their fear of change and then choose to face it. I challenge them to embrace change. Embrace change in yourselves and in others...even if it means your paths part because of it.

Here is the thing, we all have free will to choose. If a band no longer makes music you dig, move on and discover something new that speaks to your soul. There are SO many bands out there to choose from. It is okay to hold a special place in your heart for the albums you loved that are basically like a soundtrack for a specific time period in your life, but don't expect anyone to stay exactly the same because of your fear of change.

Below is an exchange that took place after the below photo was posted on Instagram:


oktobre17: sum41 Long live Sum 41!! May tomorrow always bring about changes for all of you that help you be the very best versions of yourselves. May "right now" always be the moment you cherish most and be filled with all the music of your soul.

sum41:Thank u. This is the sum 41. That is excited and wants to be here and play music for the world! oktobre17

oktobre17: sum41 I know this is the version that wants to be here and make music and you have my love and support. it frustrates me seeing how difficult it is for some to accept change in others be it your hair, the sound of the music, the shoes you wear. My marriage ended because my husband couldn't accept the changes I had made with my beliefs. What I have come to accept and learn is that those who no longer serve our highest good naturally fall away from our lives the moment we let go and let the Universe work its magic. When that which doesn't serve us anymore falls away, it makes room for that which IS for our highest good to reach us. I embrace change in myself and others. Staying stagnate and the same would mean you aren't learning and growing. You, my friend, have done a beautiful job of changing. You are the Phoenix rising from the ashes and being reborn into something new and better than your last incarnation. I have mad respect for you, Deryck.

user1: Oh what happened to the days where you guys use to look happy

oktobre17: user1 is that what you see? Unhappy? I see three men who have matured and grown. I see warriors who have come back with new resolve and determination. I see a new dad who likely is thinking about what kind of world and legacy he wants to create for his child. I see a newly married man who is juggling being a member of two bands and his personal life. I see a man who has been to hell and back who hasn't given up....a man whose big motivation is to create something new for all of you and be able to perform it for you later. Must they always stay the same and have the same goofy silly shots to be deemed happy? sum41

user1: Not saying that at all tho I do not follow there personal life's to much.



oktobre17: If you look at the posts on this sum41 account, you are following their personal lives. Deryck has shared all of those tidbits along the way.

user1: oktobre17 or your just don't understand the meaning of "to much"

oktobre17: Do you mean "too* much"? Sure I do...but I am on a roll today and I figure "what the fuck" and threw caution to the wind and spoke my mind and my heart regardless of it still being a Mercury retrograde. Hahaha oh well. I have always maintained that it would be far better to actually have real dialogue than one-liner quips.

user1: oktobre17 so what your say is you take pleasure in coming on here and trying to put people down good to know.

oktobre17: Are you saying that is how you feel? I have not intended to put you down. My intention is always to be a friend to sum41 and show him my support. I get frustrated when I see comment after comment about people whinging about his hair not being the same or wanting the music to be exactly the same, or want them to always maintain the same playful campiness in photos they are known for. There are shitloads of people who complain that Dave and Steve aren't in the band as if Deryck has a hand in their no longer being in the band. Dave and Steve made free will choices to move on and do something else. This was not something Deryck wanted but he has no control over their choices. Deryck's main focus right now is to move forward with his life and part of that is creating the best fucking Sum 41 album of his life...until the next one. My point is, I wish people would stop lamenting and pining away for what was and embrace and support what is now with the band. My apologies if you felt put down. It is not my intention, user1

user2: oktobre17 people have different tastes and opinions and miss things. It doesn't mean they dislike a thing. I miss the old sum 41 because of the crazy photos and punk side to it and it's good for a band to know what their fans like. They could try and satisfy most ppl with different styles.

oktobre17: user2 musicians are ARTISTS...not some factory churning shit out just to please the consumer. They take everything that is twisted inside of them and create something and simply hope that some people resonate with their creations. But they create primarily because it is a spark in their soul that drives them. Their creations are expressions of who they are in this now moment. If an artist tries to churn out shit to please others, then they are not being authentically themselves. Wouldn't you rather they were true to themselves rather than caring so much what others want them to be? I am a writer and if someone tried to tell me what to write and how to write it, it wouldn't be my creation. It wouldn't have the same flavor of who I am because I would care too much about what others want and not what I feel compelled to say/write. We should all strive to authentically be ourselves and not bend to conformity of what others wish us to be. sum41

user2: oktobre17 im not saying they can't change. Im open minded and appreciate all they do but as a fan I am allowed to say that I liked AKNF or Chuck UH whatever more and I wish they play around with different sounds more and take more photos without it looking all the same these days with just a different background.

user3: I don't want a change I like how they are song like motivation, into deep , fat lip , walking disaster , and underclass hero songs like that please listen to the fans and stay that way

SMH

Monday, April 27, 2015

Repeating Patterns and Doors of Opportunity


On this journey called "life," we all develop patterns along the way. Sometimes those patterns are helpful and sometimes those patterns leave us stuck and repeating behavior that isn't for our highest good. We each are a sum of all our parts. Every single experience along the way helps to create the people we are in this now moment...baggage and all. It influences how we see the world and the way we interpret the information coming in. We unconsciously manifest situations over and over again in order for us to repeat these patterns. When you become a conscious creator, you understand that everything that appears in your life is something you alone manifested for the LESSON. When we continue to repeat the patterns instead of making different choices, we will keep creating similar situations that often end up compounding and adding to the issues we already need to face and come to terms with.

Every single relationship in our lives is a door of opportunity to make different choices. We only need to step back and recognize our own patterns.

In recent months, I have been given doors of opportunity to recognize my own patterns and make different choices. It is never easy to face your own shadows. It is never easy to look at a situation and see where you are going down a similar path of miscommunication and stuffing your true self aside to keep the peace and please the other person. Make no mistake, I have no one to blame but myself for the choices I was making. It is up to me to stand up and demonstrate self-love by being authentically me. It is up to me to make different choices so that I don't end up right back where I just came from. I take full responsibility for me and every situation, be it wonderful or difficult, that appears in my life.

  

I think the hardest thing to do is to make different choices in the face of knowing that those choices will cause pain and heartache for all involved. It is hard to make different choices when you know that it requires you to walk away or change the dynamics with someone you love so deeply that it feels your heart could burst. When you can make the painful choices, it means you are finally changing patterns. It means you are finally learning and freeing yourself of old destructive behaviors that no longer serve you.

No matter how much you love someone, sometimes the most loving thing you can do for both of you is to walk away while you still feel that love. Often when we stay and we repeat those patterns, we start to feel resentments that chips away at the love you feel for each other. The issues and problems become bigger than the love. Anger and hatred come in and set up camp where love used to dwell.


When you make those painful choices, it might hurt so bad that you just wish you could close your eyes and never have to wake again. There might be floods of tears and doubt that you have made the right choices. But eventually the sun will shine again. Eventually the tears will fade. Eventually you will be able to breathe again and be able to take a step through that door of opportunity you opened and travel down your new path you just created.

I am ever so grateful for the opportunities I have been given to make new choices. It has been painful and I have cried buckets of tears and had many sleepless nights, but I am still grateful. To the people who have helped create those opportunities, I sincerely thank you and love you very much. Without these opportunities, I can't become the very best version of me that I want to become.

Ask yourself what patterns you are repeating. What steps can you take to dramatically change your life for the better? Don't let fear hold you back. Love yourself and take that difficult first step to ending old destructive patterns.

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Divine Timing and Connecting with Soul Family

Art by Tom Bagshaw
I haven't felt very inclined to write any blog posts lately as I have been too engrossed in catching up with a long lost family member. Not just any family member, but a SOUL FAMILY member and I am not afraid to say it has been a little piece of heaven. Never did I imagine that there was another human so like me. God help us all! hahahahaha But seriously, it has been so much fun. He feels like a best friend that I have known for eons...the kind you open up and tell things that you have never told another person about.

I think back to when I first met him and it really wasn't a good first meeting at all. We walked away from that brief encounter and we both were left with a bitter taste in our mouths and not really wanting to know the other further. lol It just goes to show you that first impressions aren't always correct.

I have known for a while this person would be coming to me, but I wasn't sure what to expect or even if I would recognize him. He is one of the four walk-ins I have been seeking that I have been dreaming about for years. I just had no idea he had come knocking and I didn't recognize him at first nor did he recognize me. It is fascinating to think how finely tuned and choreographed our dances are with one another while we are here. Divine timing and serendipity are two words that come to mind to explain how it all played out.

Unfortunately, sometimes people who help bring our loved ones and soul family to us feel hurt when their part of the dance comes an end and they are not part of that soul family....only the larger soul group. Their part of the play was done and it was time for them to exit the stage.  This was the case when Jesse came into my life. I feel bad for any hurt feelings, but not for having my soul family member be brought back to me as we so clearly planned it all before coming into the physical.

It has been as though a whirlwind has taken us during our "remembering" phase. We can't seem to stop talking. It feels very much like seeing someone you are close to but haven't seen in a while and you say, "Oh my god, I am SO happy to see you! I have so much to share with you." And you stay up all night like you once did with your best friend on a sleep over talking about everything there is to talk about and yet you never run out of things to say. It has been a rush and a thrill to connect with a cherished and beloved family member.

Jesse Thomas...soul family and best friend.
Let me tell you about my best friend, Jesse. And yes, I am very comfortable calling him "best friend" and putting him in the same category as Ziba who has helped me grow in so many ways, and Shannon, who I have known and loved for 30 years. These are the people I hold close to me who make me feel like the wealthiest person on the planet because they each are such treasures to me. I value each of them so very much. Back to Jesse....I'm going to sing his praises a bit because I think he deserves it. Jesse is such an amazing soul...not just because he is my ancient teacher and soul family, but the character he is now performing for this play is amazing.  He is a talented musician and song writer. He is kind and patient with me. He is honest, funny, and talkative. He is so intelligent and I love his mind and how he is able to see new information that I hadn't seen before. He is loving and understanding. I trust him implicitly. His light shines brightly and my life is brighter and better because he is a part of it. I have so much respect for him, for his story and all that he is.

During the course of this, there have been those who would like to whisper to me about his shortcomings and their own opinions of him that aren't favorable. They have tried to influence my relationship with him and create a wedge, but I will not be swayed based on someone else's experiences, questionable 3rd hand information or his supposed past. I am under no illusion that any of us are perfect. We all come to the table with baggage and our own shadow selves that can be a challenge to deal with...both for them and for us. But if we put into practice what we learn in spirituality, then we can learn from what arises and grow from it and that has been the case for me and Jesse. Together we take the hard stuff and face it head on and become better people when we come through it with understanding more about ourselves and what we need to work on. That to me is invaluable. Very rarely do you find people like that and I have three. I am blessed.

With that I will say in closing: Welcome home, Jesse! Welcome back to the family. We have missed you dearly. You are appreciated, loved and supported. I look forward to the work we will do for the rest of the time I am here on Earth and I can't wait to see what adventures our journey holds. Blessings and love to you, old friend.

Friday, February 6, 2015

Unschooling, Self-esteem, Healing Solar Plexus Issues

It is interesting how just the normal everyday things we participate in bring up opportunities for us to heal and clear blocks. Maybe it is our guides whispering in our ears and guiding us there. Maybe it is the Universe helping to create those perfect opportunities for us to see our issues and what we still need to work on and release. My way of working through my issues and blocks has been to come here and write it all out and tell all of you about it. It is cathartic.

Yesterday Deryck Whibley from Sum 41 posted this photo on Instagram. He has been helping produce a song for his friend Todd.




As I viewed the photo, I was in awe how anyone could ever learn what all of the knobs and buttons do and I suddenly realized that Deryck learned how to do all of that in the studio simply by doing...by being interested and passionate about music...probably by observing someone else do it and likely asking a lot of questions. And then it dawned on me and I got excited when I thought, "Oh my god, he is a Life Learner! How wonderful!" Upon this realization, I felt compelled to make the below comment on his photo:

You know what I think is pretty fucking awesome,@sum41 ? You didn't go to school and sit in some boring class to learn what you know. You did it through life learning (aka unschooling). The theory behind unschooling/life learning is that if you allow children/people to learn about what they have an interest in, they develop a love for learning. Some people go to school to learn what you are doing. You know how to do it because of your passion and love for music. You were motivated to learn. I dropped out of school when I was 16. I used to beat myself up about it and feel ashamed about it until I understood what unschooling was. I feel I am very intelligent and self-educated. I simply learned about the things I cared most about. Life is an excellent teacher and force feeding kids crap they don't give a shit about and locking them away in school for most of their days and inundating them with homework is not helpful. Sorry...soapbox. Stepping down now. Just thank you for inadvertently being a life learner and being so impressive with what you have chosen to teach yourself. I have tons of respect for you.

I hesitated after posting and had the urge to delete it because, yet again, I felt like I had revealed too much. I revealed a secret that I rarely tell anyone...I dropped out of school. And there it was...my shit laying before me in black and white.

You may remember, if you have read my previous blog posts, me mentioning details of my volatile childhood. The pressures of home and the dysfunction there combined with the pressures of school was just too much. I wasn't the expressive person I am today. I bottled everything up and kept it inside. I was like a bottle of kombucha left to ferment in a closed bottle. Eventually the pressure would build enough to make the bottle shatter. I was thinking about ways to kill myself on a daily basis. I wanted out. I wanted the pain, the pressure and the stress to stop. I knew running away from home wasn't an option because I knew my father would hunt me down and drag me back kicking and screaming. 


Also, since entering junior high school, I started to understand just how ridiculous it was that they were trying to force me to learn about things I didn't care about nor did I believe I would ever have a use for it in my life. I struggled in school...not because I didn't understand but because I had no interest and passion about what I was learning about. I felt forced to be somewhere that I didn't really want to be. I felt forced to learn about things I had zero interest in. 

In my 9th grade year I left half way through and took home courses and was allowed to go at my own pace. I was finished with that year early as a result. What I really wanted at that point was to be sent away to performing arts school but my family lived paycheck to paycheck, so that never happened. I re-entered institutionalized learning for my 10th grade year. I was different in the way I chose to look...wild hair, vintage clothes with a style all my own. I was an easy target because of it. Kids can be cruel and they were to me. I remember vividly some male student I didn't even know came up to me and asked me how much I charged...basically insinuating that I looked like a prostitute. I was wearing fitted black ski pants, a vintage bright blue short waisted jacket, a sequined bright blue wide belt, matching blue high heeled shoes and a cute little blue vintage hat that had a veil that came down over the eyes. Yes, I looked different but I wasn't dressed in revealing clothes. The funny thing about that mean comment is that a year or so later, black stirrup pants would become a thing and all the girls would eventually be wearing tight black pants similar to what I had worn. I was just ahead of the trend...a trail blazer.

One day I just snapped. I couldn't do it anymore and I told my mom, "I want to drop out of school" and explained to her that if I wasn't able to relieve one of the pressures in my life, I felt like I would eventually follow through with my suicidal thoughts. My mom wasn't pleased about it but I think my choice also motivated her to look at her life and leave my father for a second and final time. 

I lived in a college town where usually the first question when getting to know someone is "So, what is your major?" I did eventually get my GED but I heard over and over people making fun of those who had gotten GEDs rather than a proper high school diploma. They were looked down upon. I made a point to try not to mention anything about my education. It was a source of embarrassment for me. I had friends who seemed to enjoy insulting me in round-a-bout ways because *gasp* I didn't go to college and they somehow thought they were more intelligent than me because of it.

I did eventually go to nanny school and you might think, "How hard could nanny school be?" It was a lot harder than you might think. It was two years worth of child development classes crammed into 9 months. It was a lot of pressure and I didn't enjoy it. I get test anxiety and even if I know all the information, I blank when a test is before me. It was a reminder that I am not really cut out for institutionalized learning.

I took a job in Michigan and was with a family there for 8.5 years. I made the mistake, in a moment of confidence, of sharing with the oldest child (12 or 13 at the time) about feeling suicidal and dropping out of school at 16. In a moment of rage he used that information against me and said some of the most hurtful things to me about me not being educated. It cut me to the core and I swore I would never open up like that again and share that information for someone to use it as a weapon against me. 


But really, the only way to prevent information about ourselves being a weapon for another is to heal and take away the negative charge we feel when it comes up. People can't use something against you if you develop a different perspective about it and it doesn't bother you anymore.

Fast forward to having my daughter. As a parent you have all of these big decisions to make for your child. I haven't taken those choices lightly and have researched the things I feel are most important. We co-sleep, practiced full-term breastfeeding, attachment parented, started eating organic, etc. One of the things we researched was what we would do about education. One of my mommy friends talked about unschooling. This was a new phrase to me. "What is unschooling?" I asked. In a nutshell, unschooling is self-directed, life-based learning. Some people call it "life learning" and it can look very different for each family. When people ask us about Inara's school, I find it a lot easier simply to say "We are home schooling," rather than have to try to explain what unschooling is to some random stranger.

Basically those of us who practice unschooling believe that you can learn all that you need in life just by living and having an interest in what you want to learn about. The person who learns about something they actually care about becomes passionate and the knowledge gained isn't just tossed away as "omg I am never gonna use this". It is remembered and they go forward with a voracious appetite to learn more. We learn SO much better when we are learning about what we care about and when we are actually DOING rather than from a text book and home work. I truly hope that we see a resurgence of apprenticeships and people shadowing someone who is doing what they want to do as a profession.

When I learned about unschooling, it helped me realize I wasn't "uneducated" as some people would like to say. I am LIFE EDUCATED. I am a Life Learner/Unschooler but simply didn't know back then there had been studies and books written about it. I do wish I had known about it so much earlier because it really would have helped me with my self-esteem and insecurities. It was my midwife telling me she had 3 grown unschoolers that helped me decide that we would unschool our daughter. Here is a great video by a grown unschooler:


I have a voracious appetite for knowledge and, thanks to the internet, SO much knowledge is available to us at our finger tips. If we want to find where we can go to encourage one of our daughter's interests, a quick internet search will turn up things for us to choose from. If we want to learn about something on the fly that she has a question about, we can easily look it up.

I didn't finish high school. I didn't go to college. I didn't get a degree. My education has been life-based and self-directed. I am an intelligent person and my value is not less because I didn't subject myself to forced education for as long as some people do.

So, yeah...when I recognize another as being a life learner, especially one in the public eye, I get excited...especially when they are an amazing example of all you can do and learn when passion for that knowledge is present.



Friday, January 30, 2015

Alpha Companions Explained - An Update

Artist John William Godward
As we travel on our journeys, information is given to us by our guides. Sometimes it is a bit vague and we are left trying to understand what a new phrase or concept means. We continue on and more pieces of the puzzle come together and a picture starts to emerge that helps us understand better that new concept or phrase. This has been true for me with the "alpha companion" phrase.

More information has come in which gives the phrase a slightly different meaning than what I understood at the time. The phrase came to me a couple times in dreams. I had never heard the phrase before until then. I was trying to explain the new information to my friend, Cynthia, and she urged me to write a blog post about it to help people understand. It will be difficult for some to wrap their head around this, but I will do the best I can and then link this blog post to my old post about this topic. And since I woke at 1:30 a.m. and struggled to go back to sleep because all of this Alpha Companion stuff was rattling through my head, I figure if I get it out of me, I can finally sleep...until the next spiritual thing that nags me. Lol

We have to revisit the terms "twin soul" and "twin flames". For the purpose of this alpha companion explanation, a twin soul is just that...a sibling...a twin...another identical copy of that being. A twin flame is the person you CHOOSE to travel the most with...the person you have lived the most lives with...your primary soul mate...your eternal love. I will talk more about them both later.


When you think of the soul and all the past lives connected to that one stream, you could see it as a branch off from a bigger river. It is a creek meandering through the woods gaining experience. There can be many creeks that feed into a bigger stream and then the streams meet at the big river...the over soul. The big rivers flow into the ocean and become one (Source/God). Sometimes a stream makes a split and flows through the land going forward in a parallel way and somewhere down the way, they rejoin and become one bigger stream again. They were always the same stream that became two creeks for a time but then came back together to be a bigger body of water, a stream. Last night when I was thinking about it all, I had images of electrical currents diverging briefly and then coming back together to form one electrical current. I just happened to come across the perfect illustration for this on the National Geographic site.

Photograph by Lynda Smith
The two streams are essentially identical. Think identical twins exactly alike in their energetic make up. The only differences they have are the experiences they have as they move forward. Let's think of those twins as TWO SIDES OF THE SAME COIN. One is more feminine, one more masculine. One yin and one yang. One heads and one tails. They are identical energetically but display decidedly different characteristics to get a different perspective and experience. They are two halves of a whole, yet complete entirely on their own. The main difference is the smaller version of the larger body. The other difference is choosing to experience what it is like to go through life with two different perspectives and personalities and attributes. One is funny, the other serious. One conservative, one outgoing. Because they are twins, certain attributes will always shine through making them similar.

The two creeks flowing could be having very different experiences. One could be having a rough time of it trying to flow past rocks making the current turbulent and the other has an easier time of it flowing through grasslands gently. Eventually the twin creeks come back together to create one bigger body again. THAT is an ALPHA. Two parts of the self coming together to create a higher, larger aspect. The two creeks were perceived as two different souls, but when they come together they create the larger being they started out as. They bring all of their experiences back with them into one current and stream.

When the larger stream then decides to incarnate, this is what we would call an ALPHA BEING. When two alphas incarnate who have chosen to be together for eons, these are called Alpha Companions. They are two beings who come into the physical with the larger aspect of themselves in place. Remember that the two creeks came back together and now live harmoniously as one being inside a human vehicle.

An alpha companion is very much like a twin flame only much bigger, energetically speaking.  Essentially the Alpha Couple is bringing the experiences of 4 beings (and all their combined past lives) to the table. I understand now that I am an alpha. That is how I can have dreams of past lives on Earth but have this be my first and last human Earth incarnation. The alpha had never been in a human body as one being before, but when my alpha split, there were many, many lives lived here as two identical streams.

Going back to the twin flame idea...

I see a twin flame being a primary soul mate and a primary need not be of an identical vibration. They are similar but slightly different. I like to think of them being two musical notes that have similar resonance but play a different sound. Some notes don't work well together and some come together so beautifully that they become a song...a song of love...a love so big and strong that it transcends time, dimensions and all barriers that try to stand in the way.

That is my explanation of what an Alpha Companion and Alpha Being is based on the information that had come to me up to this point. I hope this has made it more understandable to my friends to whom I have been trying to explain it.