Monday, May 16, 2016

Navigating and Our Personal Journeys

Recently I had a conversation with a friend that left me with my feathers ruffled.

I am fairly certain she left the conversation feeling the same way.

I shared with her some of what had been going on in my life and shared some of the feelings I was experiencing. At no point did I ask for advice or help. I was simply expressing myself and sharing. I usually don't want advice or help and just want someone to listen. I don't need anyone to insert what they think is right or wrong or how they think I should handle it all. I am fairly adept at handling my own shit. Most of the time I want to talk about it and nothing more. I was pretty taken back when I got a barrage of unwelcome "help" and "advice" that was basically telling me how she thinks I should do things based on her interpretation of the limited information I gave her. I was shocked at her interpretation and her lack of understanding and compassion.

What I find interesting is that often the people who are most vocal about being "empaths" are the ones who seem to demonstrate the least empathy. Maybe it was just an off day for her because normally she is very kind, but she sure as hell was NOT feeling what I was feeling or she would have never said some of the hurtful things she did to me. I walked away feeling like she really just has no understanding of me and my journey at all.

The thing is, I am okay with her not being able to grasp or understand it fully but the barrage that followed even after I told her she didn't understand was eyebrow raising and made me feel annoyed for days. The meme below was what I was wanting to scream.

You might be surprised to hear me say that I am GRATEFUL to her for this experience. Being irritated by the conversation made a lot of things well up inside me that wanted to be expressed. Because of that interaction, I was inspired to write and write and write...and since writing is what I love to do, that isn't a bad thing. I have been able to talk about subjects that are important to me but were only mildly brewing inside. She helped bring it all to a boil and to the surface. So thank you to my friend for the inspiration. My friend provided the grains of sand that would provide the irritation to create some pearls of wisdom.

Now onto the meat of the topic I want to discuss today...

We all come into these lives with a specific journey we are intending to have. We all come equipped with an inner compass for navigation. We have our handy dandy spirit guides who help nudge us in the direction we intended for ourselves before we stepped into a skin suit and forgot everything we knew and planned. Maybe you planned to meet up with certain people and work together for a while but, always, our individual journeys are for us and us alone. I share my journey with all of you and understand that what you experience may be vastly different. The order you experience different phases in the spiritual journey may be different from the order I have experienced those same phases.

There is no right or wrong way in this journey called "life".

Maybe you don't hit all the markers and grab all the flags you intended to when you hit the top of the mountain and started swooshing downhill at record speeds, but you won't incur a "do-over" for missing the minor things. It is going to hurt if you go off course and maybe hit a tree or two. It may or may not slow you down, but you get back up on your skis and keep going.

I went through a phase where I thought everyone else knew more than me and had my answers to help me navigate my journey. I would seek out mediums and psychics and think they had so much more wisdom than me. Some of the information I got was just flat out wrong and bad. But some of the others weren't so overtly wrong and, for a time, I took their information into my navigation system. It was taking me all over the place in all kinds of funky directions. When I finally started to believe in me and trust me, I could look back and see that a certain dream was trying to show me this, but I didn't understand that is what it was trying to tell me until AFTER I had already gotten to the point of trusting myself and my own navigation.

August 28, 2014  Apparently I had gone on a trip to Europe or somewhere. I can't remember specifics but a big part of the dream was being on this giant plane. It seemed like we were on it for ages. I wanted the food I thought I had brought with me but it seemed to have disappeared. I thought maybe someone had taken it or perhaps they never put it on the plane as they were supposed to. Well we flew for a while but the plane stopped and we had something like a two hour layover, so I went into this city I was unfamiliar with to go find something to eat. I was riding around on a bike and the streets were busy. Two guys grabbed onto me to help propel me forward faster. I was like "what are you doing? I am new at this bike riding stuff. I don't want to go fast." And then we approached this stop light. We all stopped and I looked. It was a steep decline and I was scared. I was thinking, there is no way I can go down that on a bike. I will kill myself because I will go too fast. I wanted to get off and walk the bike down the steep hill. I don't actually remember traversing the hill but my concern was getting back to the airport on time and I kept seeing these lines on a map, but it was like the navigation was fucked and taking me in round-about ways instead of a direct route. I was feeling upset that I might miss my plane home. That is all I remember of that one.

So basically this navigation outside of me wasn't really getting me to where I wanted to be. It reminds me of a news story I saw recently about a 23 year old woman following her GPS navigation into a lake. lol Oops!

Here is the story.
If we are all basically an aspect of God/Source, then wouldn't it be a silly thing for us to send billions of people to have the exact same journey and to navigate it exactly the same way? Don't you think that we, as God, would be clever enough to throw in as many variables and variations as we can to get as many experiences as we can so we can take it in as part of our God-self? So please don't tell me how you think I should navigate my journey based on your limited knowledge of what is coming into me from my guides, your standards, your beliefs, and your overall personality. My journey is mine and yours is your own. I know all too well how tempting it is to "help" because I have been guilty of it myself and I had to learn to step back and just allow people to navigate their journey the way they feel best. I can offer my perspective if I am asked, but I am not them nor am I a sum of all of their parts. I don't actually know what is best for them or what they have set up for themselves pre-birth. It is very tempting to project onto people what is best for your own journey and not necessarily theirs.

I have had a well-meaning psychic/medium try to tell me that "the guides" told her this or that when: 1. I never gave my permission for her read me or access privileged information about me. Having a casual conversation is NOT implied consent. 2. I never gave permission to access communication with MY guides so who the fuck she was talking to, I have no idea. I just know they weren't MY people. In one particular instance, her interjection of what "the guides" were supposedly saying only succeeded in pissing me off and wanting to tell her to back the fuck up. I did tell her this was MY journey and mine alone and there was no way in hell she was privy to the mountains of details and daily interactions I have with my guides. For every dream I write down, there are 20 others I don't record. They just float around in my head and pop out when something triggers a memory. You should never presume you know my whole story by what little I do share. What I share is just the tip of the iceberg. Trust that I can navigate my own journey without your unsolicited advice and help. Trust that I am listening to my guides and doing exactly what I feel is the very best for me and my journey. Trust that even if I get shit wrong, it is okay and is what is best for me and what I need to learn. Trust that when I tell you I sometimes cry and feel sad that having these emotions are part of my journey and don't need to be avoided. Trust that I don't need to be fixed and that I am learning in leaps and bounds from my difficulties.

None of us have any real idea what the soul next to us planned to experience no matter how psychic, intuitive you are or how many spirits you talk to. We should be careful about inflicting our personal morals on each other because morals are mostly subjective. Some people adhere to the human laws of morals, but the morality of the soul in non-physical is very different. When your mind expands and you start to see the world through spiritual colored lenses, human morals seem quaint but not really applicable in a bigger picture sort of way. The journeys we plan for ourselves could look pretty messy. They could seem to be full of conflict and *gasp* immoralities. It isn't really for you or me to decide what is right or wrong for another person. All we can do is decide what is right for ourselves.

All of us are a sum of all our parts and that sum is unique to each person. Some people are all fluffy bunnies, kittens, fairy dust and unicorns. While I am over here all combat boots, bad-ass, brass knuckles and "fuck off." Neither one is a right or wrong way to be. To ask me to approach my journey like your fluffy bunny self is to ask me to ignore who I truly am. Do I have a soft squishy center? Absolutely! Does the fluffy bunny have a bad-ass center? It is very likely. But how we naturally navigate and operate through our journeys is going to look very different. We have to be willing to step back and just accept people for who they are and allow each other to operate in a way that feels natural and comfortable. You fluffy bunny people are perfect just as you are because our God-self wanted to experience what life was like that way. But our God-self also wanted to experience life as bad-ass, brass knuckle people too and those of us who appear hard on the outside are absolutely perfect the way we are as well.

By all means, love and support the people around you who are doing the best they can on their journeys, but allow them to use their own inner navigation to get them to their final destination.

Sunday, May 15, 2016

Processing and Interpretation

Interpretation is a funny thing. If I were to write something and have ten people read it, it is entirely possible all ten will take away something completely different when processing the meaning.

There are many factors to HOW we interpret the information coming into us.

I tend to believe that the date and time of our birth is no accident and has everything to do with pre-birth planning to ensure certain attributes are present in the characters we are about to play. We set it up so that we have specific personality traits to better help us have the experience we are looking to have and/or to aid us in completing a mission we agreed to take on prior to stepping into physical form. Regardless of what you believe about astrology and the influence of the cosmos on us, when we are born, we each come in being hardwired in specific and unique way.

Chemicals and hormones all play a factor in how we process things in our brains. So everything including the food you eat, the air you breathe, the water you drink, the chemical exposure you have in your environment, sun exposure, medications affect how we interpret. Fluoride is a neurotoxin and is in our toothpaste and the drinking water for many people. Many cities are highly polluted so the air can be toxic. There are preservatives and dyes in food. There are preservatives and aluminum in personal hygiene products that can disrupt hormones. The level of activity you have and where you do said activity can have an impact on our brains and how we process.

Add into that mix every single experience we have ever had in our lives. And oh, hey, let's throw in some past life baggage you brought with you to this life. Even if you have had similar experiences to another, it will affect us all differently. Think of siblings in a family who all suffer the same abuse and see how differently they each are affected.

No two people are identical in how they process and interpret. Each person is a unique cookie recipe. You can use the same ingredients in slightly different amounts and come up with some very different results. Textures, flavors, and colors will be different.

Vector - Photo by Dan Mountford

We are a sum of all our parts. That sum determines how we process information and that sum is always changing.

With this in mind, is it any wonder that I could write something and one person sees it as harsh and pushy, while another person might see simply honest forthright expression. One person gets their feathers ruffled while the other person doesn't see it as a big deal. Maybe the person it was intended for even respects and appreciates what I wrote while the other wants me to alter my behavior and change how and what I say. Not everyone will process the same written words exactly the same way. Some are going to hate it, some are going to love it, and some will have no idea what you are even talking about.

It would be an error to assume that everyone will interpret exactly as you do. I mean, isn't this part of the reason we have so many misunderstandings since social media became a thing? It is VERY easy to interpret what you are reading in a voice that was not intended by the author. You might read me as angry when, in fact, while I was writing, the voice in my head was earnest and heartfelt.

We can't walk around trying to be people-pleasers, second guess ourselves or second guess everything we say and do at every turn. We just have to be exactly who we are without fear and without regret. If we please ourselves by being completely authentic to who we are, then we have done something right.

As Chris Cornell yourself is all that you can do.

Thursday, May 12, 2016

Forgiveness, Super Mario Brothers, Leveling Up

I recently responded to some comments in In My Sacred Space Facebook group about my blog post from yesterday and felt like what I explained is worthy of its own blog post. I have talked a lot on this blog about how we are each living out our own personal plays. I have made references to this experience being a game we are trying to complete. It isn't surprising to me that someone doesn't agree with me about the whole "Jesus dying for our sins" issue because people like that sense of a safety net....that sense of an easy out when they are knee deep in the shit and they fucked up.

Forgiveness shouldn't be that complicated for us as a species and yet it seems to be, so we create this fantasy that this magical man died so that our slate could be wiped clean. That just isn't what Yeshua came here for. He was just a man. Yes, he was an extraordinary man but he wanted to show us all the cheats on how to complete the level. He never wanted to become some pseudo deity. He never wanted to be worshiped in the way he is currently. He never wanted to be the excuse for wars and atrocities we commit toward each other in his name. He just wanted to show us how to Level Up. He was leading by example, as we all should. 

It was foretold of his coming but what if he was simply the human equivalent of game cheat video on YouTube showing us exactly how to get through the level? I think that is exactly what Yeshua was....the Way Shower for how to get the fuck out of this level. We have been in this level for so long that we have forgotten it is just a game. We have been here so long we have forgotten we aren't actually the characters we are playing. 

It is time to wake up and remember WHILE we are in the physical. The key is to forgive NOW, to remember who we really are NOW while in the physical and playing the game. It is no good if you only remember once you kill off your character and go to the other side and get ready to jump back in. If you can let go of your physical attachments, let go of the hurt and pain and anger through forgiveness, if you can apologize to those you have wronged while you are get to Level Up which is basically "ascension". I mean, what does it actually mean to ascend? Think about it.

I think while we are here in the physical, we have a responsibility to each other to not be assholes and actually give a fuck about each other. That was something that Yeshua was famous for...helping others and being of service. He lived a life that was heart-centered. He cared about others and saw everyone as equal no matter their social status, their profession, their gender, their sexual preference. He just loved them all and was of service to those in need.

We have become a society of greed and self-centeredness. We care more about buying things and more things to fill the void we have inside of ourselves. If only we could understand that things will never fill the void. Our consumerist lives will be the death of the planet if we cannot change and become a heart-centered species rather than self-centered. Love is what that void is craving. When we truly love ourselves in a non-materialistic sense, we can then give love easily and freely.

User 1:
Very interesting. And except for the forgiveness i agree with you and lets keep spreading the truth

Me: What do you believe about forgiveness? 

User 2: Hmmmm depends on the dastardly deed ...

Me: If you know this is actually just a play and we are all performing parts in it, no matter how dastardly the deed is, if we can be cognizant that the soul inside is just playing a role and forgive and forgiving means being able to move up a level in this whole experience, why wouldn't you do it? When a character on stage kills another character, do we hate the actor who played the role? No, because we understand that it isn't all that real. And what we learn, if we have explored spirituality long enough, is that there is a whole lot of planning and choice that goes into the roles we ultimately choose to play when we come to Earth. We know full well the tumultuous life or easy life we could be living.

Think about video games and how when you play and meet new challenges you use a life trying to understand the level. So you keep coming back to the same level over and over and over again until you finally learn how to navigate the new level. I once played Super Mario Brothers for Super Nintendo with my sister-in-law for 13 hours straight. hahahaha When we got to where we had to fly to get through the level, it took us many lives to get to the point where we could finally figure out how to fly and make it to the end of the level.
Nevermind that we were waving our controllers all around in the air as though that would help the process any. lol That is what we are doing here on earth...using up life after life to navigate through the level. Earth is just one level we have to navigate.

The game we are playing is the one of separation from source. We are playing at this idea we are individuals and then with each level we accomplish, we are a level closer to God. The goal is to get back home and integrate in. And once we are back, we start the game all over again. It is some crazy shit but true and some of which can be found in Dolores Cannon books.

Moving up a level is what I mean by getting off the hamster wheel. We keep playing the same level over and over again and it is time we finally get it. So here we are, people like me, you, Ashley and everyone in this community offering cheats to explain to people HOW to beat the level if they follow our advice. That is all Yeshua was really doing. He was offering cheats on how to finish the level finally.

Wednesday, May 11, 2016

PSA for Jesus Freaks, Bible Thumpers and the General Christian Population

Is that title inflammatory? lol

Blame it on the hour and a half preaching session I had with my well meaning father who was trying ever so hard to direct my behavior and save my soul by quoting scripture and offering to send me religious literature.

I have a friend who also writes a blog and in one of her blog posts she talked about Lot and his wife and how she became a pillar of salt. I read it and shook my head and said to my computer screen, "The author of that tale wasn't being literal!" And I sent a message to my friend telling her what I felt like the true meaning of that story was about. Lot's wife was told not to look back but she did and she became a pillar of salt. As a fellow writer, I use metaphors all the time when trying to explain something in terms that it might help others understand. The author of that passage was being poetic. He was saying that she shouldn't dwell in the past and focus on the fall of the city. But she did look back and her sorrow and grief consumed her. Everyone knows that tears are salty and by saying she became a pillar of salt simply means she cried a lot and was consumed with grief.

After I had that spontaneous "aha" moment, I wondered what other bible stories were likely metaphors and flowery writer's speech as opposed to literal? Well, quite likely most of the stories. Why would writers from all those years ago be all that different from writers today? I dare say they were not and they are likely smacking their heads from the other side at our literal interpretations of their words.

David and Goliath is likely about one small nobody taking out a powerful and famous adversary...not a literal giant. His reputation was giant only. Maybe the dude was larger in size than the kid with the sling shot. That would be a given.

Jonah in the whale is likely about facing great personal difficulty and inner turmoil. Going into the belly of the beast and coming out with renewed faith. How many times have I used the metaphor of being swallowed up when I am feeling consumed by my darkness? A lot, actually.

Daniel and the lion's den might be about facing a rich and powerful ruler/adversary and walking away unscathed even after voicing potentially death sentence worthy thoughts and opinions.

The list could go on and on.

I have been researching Yeshua (aka Jesus) and I think I have come to a pretty good understanding of who he actually was. I mean, hey, it is progress that I can even accept that he was a real person who lived once upon a time because, until very recently, I thought he was a fairy tale character.

Basically what I have come to understand is that Yeshua's thoughts and beliefs weren't very different from my own. What the bible leaves out from his story are the years between about 14 - 30. Ask yourself what Yeshua was doing all of those years. If you research it, you will discover that Yeshua was one of the greatest travelers and he went all over the world with his uncle. Each place he went he talked to the people and learned about all different faiths and he brought that all into himself and decided what he felt to be true. The people from his Jewish faith frowned upon the things he was teaching and telling people. They accused him of heresy.

What was Yeshua actually teaching? There was a lot that was left out from the bible but if you look to the Gospel of Thomas, the Gospel of Mary Magdalene, and the Secret Book of well as will learn that Yeshua was talking to people about reincarnation, taking personal responsibility for everything manifested in your own life. He taught how thoughts and beliefs create. He spoke of how God is at the center of each and every one of us and all of us can access our God center. All of us are God's children...not him alone. He tried to teach people that EVERYONE is capable of performing the "miracles" he performed...if only they choose to harness it and access it. He promoted meditation and going within. He promoted being of service to each other. He encouraged forgiveness as a way of releasing karma. He tried to get people to remember who they really were because we aren't these bodies we have a physical experience in. He wanted people to know that we are eternal beings and we don't actually die.

Yeshua was charged with heresy and being blasphemous. He was executed for what he was trying to teach people. But the people of that time weren't ready for his messages back then. Yeshua doesn't have to come back because he got off the hamster wheel we call reincarnation, but he left a message letting people know he would be back.
I was thinking about it all the other day and the image of Jesus doing a winky face and thumbs up popped up in my head. I imagined him up on the cross doing this and saying in an Arnold Schwarzenegger accent, "I'll be back." My dad believes he will come in on clouds and who knows what else. But the truth is, Yeshua meant he will be back via reincarnation. If you are looking to your skies waiting for Jesus to save you, you are looking in the wrong place. It is possible he is sitting beside you on the bus or is the guy you just flipped off.

This will be a hard pill for you staunchly religious folks, but Yeshua didn't die for our sins. He didn't die so that you can go "Jesus, please forgive me for my sins" and you are magically forgiven. The forgiveness he was promoting is more complicated and is about treating people the way you want to be treated. He was promoting forgiving others and ourselves. He promoted self-love and seeing every single person out there as an aspect of self. He wasn't about giving people a "get out of jail free card". He wanted people to take personal responsibility for themselves and adjust their behavior accordingly. There is no "Satan" making us do bad things...only our own shadow selves getting in the way of our own growth.

Yeshua died to show us how it could be done and that death is not the end. He forgave all who tortured, beat and betrayed him. He was trying to give us a blueprint for how to move up to the next level instead of staying in the constant cycle of reincarnation. We don't have to come back over and over again but it requires us waking up, remembering who we really are, making peace with who we have been, forgiving the past, forgiving those who wronged us and letting go of our attachment to the physical world. You can't move on to the next level if you are so attached to the physical world that you just keep coming back over and over.

I realize that this information will fall on deaf ears for people, like my father, whose minds are not open and they cannot even consider what I am suggesting. But, maybe, for those people like me who were force-fed religion (aka fear, shame, guilt, etc) and came to a point of feeling like it was a fairy tale, maybe it will shine new light on a great man who tried to share the same message we are trying to share.

Thursday, April 7, 2016

The Gift of Human Emotions

I recently discovered someone who calls himself Magister Daire. I liked a quote of his and used it with an image. I started following him on Instagram and I liked a lot of what he posted and then he posted something that just rubbed me the wrong way. Granted, I haven't studied this individual at length but the little I have seen gives me a definite impression of someone who thinks himself more knowledgeable and more enlightened than the rest of us. That word...enlightened...annoys the crap out of me.

A truly enlightened person would never claim to be enlightened. A truly enlightened person knows there is a distinct possibility that they actually know nothing at all. They know they are forever both student and teacher. They don't seek followers. They seek simply to learn and understand as much as they can through each human incarnation.

This is the meme he posted and the poem below it that bothered me:

I really dislike it when spiritual teachers make statements that put shame around half of the human emotions we experience while we are here. So the impression I get from this is he is saying all anger and sorrow is based in fear which in turn makes the person on a spiritual journey feel they are wrong for ever having those emotions because they don't want to live in fear. You know what I say to that? FUCK THAT SHIT!!!

So called "negative" emotions like sorrow and anger have the ability to act as a catalyst to transform us more than any other. It is when we reach our lowest point that who we are can be burned away and we can rise from our own ashes renewed and reborn if we allow it. Most people on a spiritual journey got there because intense sorrow, grief, anger and pain brought them to their knees. Those who reach for something more start their spiritual journey into self discovery.

And once we are on these journeys, it is fucking hard and no matter how much spiritual knowledge you gain, tears, sorrow, anger is a natural part of the process into change. No matter how much I know and understand about death, I still ache when a physical character I knew and loved is no longer part of my personal play. I miss them no matter how much I know they might still be with me in spirit. I will allow myself to feel heartache when I am hurt by someone I love. I will allow myself to feel sorrow when the missing of someone is acute. I will allow myself to feel anger that moves me into action to create change in my world.

The difference with a spiritual person is we try not to unpack and live in those emotions. We allow them, experience them, learn from them and then release them. There is no shame in feeling what you feel...EVER. As long as you can step back and sort out where it is coming from, learn something from it and then turn it around so that it is useful instead of detrimental, I see no harm in it. It is when you unpack and live in any given emotion that people run into problems. A person living in one emotion is someone living out of balance and I am all about preaching balance. It is something I strive for but can honestly say I have never achieved. Lol

The way I see it is like this. Those who try to deny themselves certain emotions because they are deemed "negative" are a lot like those who go on restrictive diets (I am not talking about those with true allergies or intolerance). You have those who eat no grains, no gluten, no dairy, no sugar, no meat, nothing cooked, and the list could go on. I came for the human experience and half of that experience is about tasting every human emotion I can. You can stay away from the strawberry whipped cream frosting cake and chocolate eruption cake if you wish because someone said it is bad for you, but I will have my cake when I feel so inclined to have it and I will eat it too. I don't have it all the time, but I also won't deny myself experiencing the myriad of flavors/emotions life in the human vehicle affords me.

Monday, April 4, 2016

When People Walk Away, Darkness, Moving Forward

If any of you follow me on Instagram, you might have noticed my mood taking a dark turn as reflected in my recent string of posts. I'm not a "positive, soft, and fluffy at all costs" kind of spiritual person. When I am feeling my shadow side, I embrace it and reveal it openly. I express it so I can then let it go. A series of events took place that just put me in a bad fucking mood and I didn't feel like spouting cheerful bullshit when I just wasn't feeling it in the moment. To deny yourself those feelings is to deny yourself one half of the human experience. When I was coming off my dark cloud, I half thought about deleting my dark and negative string but then thought, "No, this is me being authentic and real and people need to see it." We can learn just as much from our unpleasant dark feelings as we can from joyful ones. Maybe we even learn more from the dark if we are cognizant that there are lessons to be learned from the dark feelings and actively look to see what the lessons are in the experience.

Photo by Kindra Nikole
I wrote a really positive blog post about my best friend and I wasn't really surprised when another friend I have known since we were 17 posted a snide comment about my blog post.

We have a long history and there are a lot of rocky points in our relationship. She has had a long history of insulting me but doing it in an underhanded way as if she thinks I am too stupid to figure out she is doing it. She also has a bad habit of being very disparaging about those around her, putting people down where she feels the need. She sees only disgusting dirty beggars of the street vendors selling their handmade items from their blankets. I see people trying to do something to make money. I see people who add color and character to a beloved neighborhood, hence, my reply to her snide comment.

When I first started growing exponentially spiritually, she was really mean and hateful to me about what I was experiencing and believed in. It hurt because I had been there for her through all of her drama with her narcissist boyfriend and when I wanted to share something that meant a lot to me, she verbally slapped me in the face. I withdrew from her at that point and simply felt no inclination to try to nurture what was left of the ragged bits of our friendship.

What I know and understand well about this "friend" is that she is horribly insecure and all of her hate and malice directed at others is really just highlighting her own deep self-loathing. Which is why I added this comment as well:
She came back trying to say that what she meant was that I "uplift" people but I know all too well what she actually meant. She had time to think about my responses and apparently they were so offensive that it required blocking me on Facebook and Instagram and having her three grown sons unfriend me as if we are in the 7th grade and we need to tell people who they can be friends with. I was both amused and irritated and I asked myself, "What is this experience supposed to teach me?"

It was a dream I had that night which helped me to see what the lesson was in this experience. I believe fully that all of our dream symbols can be applied to our waking life. All of those people in your life who appear and are showing you an aspect of you are doing the exact same thing in your waking life. Everyone in your life is an aspect of you and represent something. The question you have to ask yourself is what aspect of you do they represent? In my dreams, this individual always turns up as an antagonist, as someone who isn't very nice to me...much the way she has been in real life. And yes, there is most decidedly a side to me that has been horrible to myself. What she also represents in a very big way is the person I used to be. She represents the past. I used to be a lot more like her and willing to talk shit about people and only see the ugliness in others as a way to make myself feel better. But it never really made me feel better because the ugliness I was seeing was what I really felt about me.

In the dream I was in the process of moving stuff out of a house I had been living in and there were people who were moving in while my stuff was still there. The important thing I noticed about the stuff I had to pack up was that it was all old stuff and I wasn't entirely sure why I still had it and it was a burden now to pack up and move. The young women who were moving in were putting all of my things in the basement and I felt overwhelmed by this.

In reality, I think this represented how the new was coming in to live within me regardless of whether or not the past was ready to vacate. And since this friend represents the past me, I believe her departing my life was a really positive sign about making a separation with the past and former me. I had hoped she could grow and awaken eventually, but since that hasn't happened, I feel grateful to her for leaving and being that meaningful symbol of the past falling away.

I think perhaps some of the other lessons I have been taught in this last week of experiences that made me feel out of sorts is that it is okay to set clear boundaries with people. It is okay to speak my truth and say where people are not allowed to tread and tell them it is not okay to treat me in a certain way. I have tolerated far too much verbal abuse and it is okay to let people and the past go.

Photo by Alexander Lazarov
I have this visualization I used to do when I felt it was time to let certain people go from my life. I would see myself in a boat and all of these smaller boats with the other people in them connected to my boat with ropes. I would take a pair of sharp scissors and I would see myself cutting through the rope disconnecting us and severing the ties. I would then thank them for their role in my life, wish them well and say goodbye as I watched them float away. I think I am long overdue for another one of my visualizations to liberate me from connections that no longer serve my highest good. It is time to let the past go and watch it float away.

Tuesday, March 22, 2016

True Love, Best Friends, Life Lessons

I want to tell you about my best friend, Shannon. And when I say she is my "best friend", I don't mean she is my best friend of the moment. I mean she is my oldest and dearest friend in the whole wide world. I mean she is my "true love". Yes, that is right, I called her my true love. I think we can have many true loves. Our children, our family (if we happen to be close to them), romantic partners and best friends. If ever there was a true love, she is mine.

I posted an Instagram post recently and thanked different people who are inspirations and taught me life lessons by their examples. I thanked Shannon for teaching me loyalty. I looked back later and thought, "Geez that is so lame. She taught me SO much more than that." So that day I started thinking about the Instagram post I was going to create in honor of her....only the composition in my head got much too long for Instagram and I decided to turn it into a blog post.

Shannon is BEAUTIFUL....stunningly so. People stop in their tracks to look at her. The thing is about beautiful people, sometimes that's all the world sees. They look no further than the surface. Women were often jealous of her and men would fall all over themselves to be near her. Both sexes make assumptions about who she is as a person to suit themselves. Women were catty and mean and would try to see flaws just to make themselves better, and men would project onto her what they wanted her to be. Or worse yet, they would try to mold her into their ideal.

Shannon is so much more than just a pretty face. She is a beautiful soul.

Our very first encounter, Shannon probably doesn't even remember. I was in the 6th grade and was living across the street from West Junior High School where Shannon was in the 7th grade because her birthday was before the school year started...only a month before mine. I attended church school and would walk to school every morning. One day I chose to borrow my sister's high heeled shoes to wear to school and some kids were making fun of me. Shannon defended me and said she liked them and they should stop being mean. That is her nature. She is a champion for the down-trodden and the underdog. She will not tolerate seeing people mistreat her fellow human and I love that about her.

When Shannon and I first officially met, we didn't hit it off right away. It was later we bonded when we were 17 at a party that the Elvis Brothers were at in our home town of Columbia, Missouri. We were both standing nervously by the door and she commented about how insecure she was feeling about what she chose to wear. I told her she had nothing to worry about, that she looked gorgeous. Our friendship blossomed and I ended up supplanting her friend, Joyce, who hated me because she was very threatened by me. She could see how well we got along and she was rightly concerned about being displaced.

Thirty years have passed since that party. We have been through a myriad of things together, It hasn't always been easy and blissful. We have had our fights and periods of not talking. During all of it, I have grown and learned so much because of her....because of our friendship. She has been a shining light and that one friend that loves me, supports me and understands me no matter how much I might fuck up. She is there for me and that means everything.

Now you might think that means we live in the same city or at least near enough to "be there" for each other but we haven't lived in the same state as each other since we were 23. Our friendship has survived because of hundreds of written letters, hours upon hours on the phone and the occasional flight out to see each other. I don't believe for a minute that you need someone to be in the physical vicinity in order to maintain a close relationship with them. If they mean something to you, you will make the effort to keep the communication alive. And really...there it is....the key to any truly good relationship...communication.

People look at a beautiful person and automatically assume they are stupid. Why do we do that? Is it to make ourselves somehow feel superior? We are dismissive and assume they are shallow and full of ego. Beautiful people can experience all the same insecurities we all face but the only difference is, they don't generally get a lot of empathy or understanding that this is the case.

Shannon has always been a lover of literature, beautiful art and beautiful things. She is very intelligent. She made me feel positively dumb at times because she had such a voracious appetite for books and art from early on. I was in such a dark place back then, I was just trying to claw my way out to see some light. She was a shiny bright light for me to follow to find my way out.

Shannon is soft, feminine, and openhearted. No matter how many times her heart breaks, she still manages to keep her heart open so that she can love again. I have always been so guarded, cautious, hard, with a heart frozen in layers. Not many have been able to make it past the layers of ice and the bouncers that sit at the door to my heart. I admire her ability to allow, surrender and be vulnerable. She sparkles. She is adventurous and is a big risk taker. Both are qualities I lack. Her adventurous nature has helped to push me out of my comfort zone at times. She appreciates the little things in life. I mean she really values little gestures. Little loving gestures mean the world to her.

Shannon is dramatic, colorful and passionate. Her enthusiasm makes me laugh and she makes my whole life more colorful and better. There is nothing boring about this woman. She is spontaneous. I am so not but wish I were more so. She lives in the now. She isn't consumed with what happened last year. She doesn't fret about planning out life for the future because she is too busy living right now to concern herself. I think that is a beautiful quality. Previously, I have spent far too much of my life living in both the past and the future.

Shannon is fearless in her pursuit of her dreams and she is supportive of the dreams of others. She chased her dreams and stuck her neck out to give it her best shot. She has faced rejection and obstacles but she never gives up. Maybe her dreams evolve, grow and change, but she never stops taking steps to make her dreams come true. And if you have a dream, she is there to support you, tell you how talented you are and how you should follow your dreams too.I didn't get a lot of support for my dreams or what I was interested in growing up, so her faith and support has been invaluable to me. I have been so proud of her working her way up to taking on big responsibilities that I would never been brave enough to do. She is a make-up artist and opened her own business called Blush and Lashes. And then she opened her own modeling agency, Hello Gorgeous Models, at the encouragement of one of the models she worked with when she was working as a make-up artist. She works so hard and it can be really challenging on many levels for her, but she never gives up.

She takes being a parent very seriously and her children mean the world to her. To those she chooses to have close to her, she is very loyal to and would defend like a mama lion defends her cubs. I feel sorry for the person who dares to make her cross or unfairly treats someone she loves. She is full of fire and fierce. She isn't afraid of confrontation if the situation calls for it.

Remember when I said how important communication is to keeping a relationship alive? Yeah, she is great at that. She communicates well. She shares what she is feeling easily and is always ready to listen as well. Talking with her is gratifying because it is a mutual exchange. Some people you talk to it feels like you are talking to a wall. I almost said it is like talking to yourself but I actually answer myself so that doesn't work. lol Talking to a wall sucks and I have never felt that with Shannon. She empathizes, gets angry with me for those who have hurt me or offers loving advice when I need it. When I am happy and have something I want to share, she is the one I want to share it with because I know she will share in my joy as if it were her own experience and joy.

Through our difficult times Shannon has taught me forgiveness. She has been the first to end the silence and ask for reconciliation. Remember, her heart is open so it has helped her be forgiving also.

Shannon is social. She is light-hearted, laughs often and loves to play. I tend to be quite introverted and she often drags me out of my proverbial shell. When we are together, we can be silly and laugh and play. Some of my favorite and most playful memories were made with her. Some of the craziest predicaments I have been in were with her. And when we talk about the stories we created together, we still laugh and laugh.

Shannon is my true love, my soul sister, my very best friend. We both have other true loves that are blood ties, but the true love between friends is one of choice which makes it a precious flower worthy of being tenderly cared for because it enhances our life and makes it better with them in it.

I love you, Shannon!

Wednesday, March 16, 2016

Spiritual Invalidation

I started composing this one in my head days ago. I had to think it about it for awhile to allow myself time to cool down because I was pretty annoyed at that point.

Let's talk about those "well meaning" and maybe "not so well meaning" spiritual people who feel the need to invalidate our experiences with spiritual ideas, phrases and concepts. Maybe we have all done this at times without being aware of it, but I think it is time to shine a lamp on it and make us conscious of spiritual invalidation.

 1. If it is meant to be, it will happen.

So you are my friend I have come to you to voice frustration about my journey. Or maybe I am just giving you some of the details of my journey and you come back with, "If it is meant to be, it will happen." To that I say FUCK YOU. There is nothing comforting or helpful about that statement to me. If you are in the camp who believe in free will, then you should also understand that there are multiple outcomes based on our choices, so to tell me "if it is meant to be, it will happen," is really just a giant slap in the face. It invalidates the experience of the person who is sharing something with you.

Here is a novel idea. Instead of blanket generic spiritual statements, try being a fucking friend and just use active listening words. Or maybe just try to be the empath you ALL claim to be and try to feel what I am feeling. Just say something like, "I can imagine it must be difficult for you" or "Wow, you set up an interesting story to play out for this human incarnation."

2. Time doesn't exist.

I, myself, have talked with others about how time doesn't really exist but when I am telling you that I am struggling with the waiting for things to play out and unfold in my story, it is NOT helpful when you say, "Oh well time doesn't really exist. There is no time." To that I say, FUCK YOU.

In this dimension and in this physical existence, we have chosen to experience time. We have chosen to have a linear experience. WE CREATED TIME WITH OUR BELIEF, so FUCK OFF with your "time doesn't exist" bullshit. Last time I checked you still used a clock for your spiritual business appointments, your yoga classes or just meeting your friends for coffee. You still pay attention to where the sun is at in the sky and the seasons. We get to a certain season and we say, "It is that time of year." You don't get to Christmas and say "oh well time doesn't really exist so fuck celebrating Christmas on a specific date." You still celebrate your birthday as though you too are playing the time game. How old are you again? Is that not time related?

When I am struggling and I am confiding in you, just be a fucking friend and say, "I am so sorry you are feeling this way. And yeah, it must suck to not know when it will all play out." I don't need you to fix me. I just need you to listen and be supportive.

3. We are all one.

I am groaning just typing that phrase. Yes, we are all one and I have talked about it before. Just like every virus, bacteria, parasite, etc. operates as one being within the human body, but if you isolate them and look at them under a microscope, they can seem separate. That cold I got last year isn't what we identify as me, but it was part of the whole for a while. We CHOSE to experience being separate from source. We are all part of the same being blah, blah blah. But when I am sharing a joyous moment and talking about how great it feels to have connected with specific soul family members and you come back with "We are all one. We are all soul family." To that I say, FUCK YOU. Yes we are all connected but what we FEEL for various people differs and you can tell me that, "we can feel that for anyone" and I tell you, "that has NOT been MY experience." By saying that we are all one after I shared happy feelings about my connections, you are essentially trying to diminish and invalidate the importance of that connection and feeling. If we feel the exact same thing for every soul, why is it we have specific groups we work with over and over again?

When I share my joy with you, instead of shitting on what I just told you, try saying something like, "Oh I am so happy for you. Yes, that must be so nice," or "That is wonderful!"

4. Everything is planned. It is fate.

This is very similar to "if it is meant to be, it will happen" statement. There are those who choose to believe that we have no free will and that we plan out every single tiny detail of the stories we live out while we are here. It is similar to those people who spout, "It's God's will." It is yet another way not to take personal responsibility. You just say, "Welp, it's outa my hands. I have no control. It has all already been lived, played out and determined." If that were really the case, why are you here? Why did you bother coming to have this experience? If I went out to a pond and knew I couldn't swim and kept going further in and drown, would you say that that was "planned" and it was "fate"? Or is it possible that I had the power to not make the stupid CHOICE to go in the water in the first place when I knew I couldn't swim? These human lives are NOT all pre-determined and pre-destined. There is likely some planning of things you would like to happen but there is a lot of space for free will allowing us to fuck up and LEARN. Saying, "It was just meant to be," is another way of us trying to make ourselves feel better about the shit we are standing in. It is making lemonade out of being given lemons. And it is perfectly okay to roll with it and make the best of whatever situation that comes your way, but when you use that concept and fate statements to invalidate another person's experience, it is not okay.
5. Stay positive...keep those vibrations up.

I have touched upon this one before, but because it is SO prevalent within the spiritual community, I will speak of it again. If I have REAL feelings to express be they angry, sad, whatever that are deemed "lower vibrational" and you come back with "stay positive" or "you gotta keep your vibrations high," to that I say FUCK YOU! I didn't come to one of the most dense planets and dimensions not to feel some of the darker emotions. I did not step into a human body only to try to be exactly like we always are on the other side. I came here to FEEL every fucking emotion that comes my way, so when you say, "Stay positive," it is just another way you are spiritually invalidating my experience. If you want to stay positive 24/7 and not allow yourself to feel what you feel in the moment, great. But don't tell me I need to do as you do. It is the new age version of trying to "save your soul" from damnation. I feel what I feel in the moment. I express what I have to say and I release it. I don't hold on. I find my center again and I am good.

Instead of telling me to stay positive when I tell you my heart is bleeding or tell you that I am so angry, just say something like, "Man, that really does suck," or "I'm so sorry, I wish I could make the pain go away for you."

You don't have to try to fix me. Just be a friend, listen and offer support. If you can't do that, I love myself enough to say to you please KINDLY FUCK OFF. Thank you.