Wednesday, February 21, 2018

Coffee, Cigarettes and Self-reflection

Photo by Ralph Crane

I have always loved this vintage photo of Lauren Becall by Ralph Crane. It reminds me of myself when I was in my 20s and still chain-smoking. The only thing missing is a notebook and pen. So many hours I sat with pen and paper, a cup of coffee and a cigarette hanging out of my mouth. You were just as likely to find me in a bar drinking coffee and writing rather than having an alcoholic beverage and talking to people. I have old order tickets, napkins and other random pieces of paper with whole poems or fragments I started.

The other day I was thinking about my old dream of singing (I have blogged about it here) and how, since I started this journey, my guides have told me to sing over and over. My thoughts wandered to my old dreams of wanting to be a successful singer and I thought to myself, "But I don't want to be on stage and it is no longer my dream."

And there was a realized "aha" moment.

And as I stood there in the kitchen making myself lunch and watching my hands do their work, I thought to myself, "But I already sing. I sing through my fingers with my words. My words are my song."

And that is the truth hidden in plain sight.

I love writing, but I stopped for many years. I used to write poems, lyrics, start stories, letters to friends and in my journal....but I stopped. I don't know how or why I stopped, but I did. And with the stopping, something in me felt like it died.

It took me 30 years to share my old poems with the world on my blog. I was proud of myself for taking that step because they always felt so personal and I wasn't ready back then to share such an inner part of me openly.

I didn't know if I would be able to write again the way I used to, but I just tried and I was pleased with the first attempt. 5 years later and it seems my song has come back and it is even stronger than before. I can easily look at a picture and start to hear words formulate that are inspired by what I images, art, and the things around me.

People have warned me that others might try to steal my work and my response is, "So." They have warned me that someone might attach their own name to my words and again I say, "So." I will not let fear keep me from sharing my creations with everyone who cares to read them. I share my words to provoke thought and feeling. I share them to put something beautiful out into the world. I put them out there because putting them out there is putting myself out there, which is the new open version of me. So what if someone attaches their names to my words? It doesn't matter. I don't even know who I really am at my core so even the name "Oktobre" is just a false identity.

Photo by Irving Penn

And what about all the money I could make if I were to write and publish books? Most of the information I share about my journey I would never charge for...ever...and the reason is because I think people are more important than profit. I think helping nudge humanity in a new direction is more important than making a buck on what I have to offer. I give my knowledge for free. Maybe it will resonate for some and help make their journey just a little easier than my own has been...which brings us one step closer to tipping the balance in favor of a heart centered society rather than a self centered one that focuses on division, survival and greed.

Would I like to be able to be comfortable for the time I have left here? That would be lovely, but it isn't what drives me. Maybe some day just the right musician will find me and want to put music to my poems and lyrics and together we can form a partnership we can mutually benefit from. To have music put with my words would be the absolute icing on the cake. If there is eventually money that comes with that, I wouldn't turn it down.

Tuesday, February 13, 2018

Duality, Reincarnation, Simultaneous Lives, Jean Seberg

Last night, on a hunch, I did a search of actresses who killed themselves because I had had so many dreams about having dropped out of school that felt more like a reference to suicide than actual 3D reality school. The first photo I saw was the above one of Jean Seberg and I just knew. Rose is a symbol that comes up over and over again in dreams, signs and syncs and I had just had a conversation with a friend about roses coming up for us. In fact, days before, I had a sync show up that gave me pause so I did a screenshot of what I saw. I often do this as I am collecting my puzzle pieces and trying to put them all together.

This particular synchronicity had multiple connections. Many of my dreams have a fairy tale connection and the story of Snow White and Rose Red, which is a Beauty and the Beast variation, is highly significant to me in figuring all of this out. I remember through dreams splitting apart into two... basically identical twins, which is probably why I see identical twins in my dreams so often. I believe this is how duality is achieved in this reality. One twin embodies light and one embodies dark but they are very similar. The only variation is personality.

I believe, also, that the dual aspects of self choose similar vocations and have similar personal issues within their lives only they approach them slightly differently. I believe this is true based on the guidance I have been given and the people I have been guided to. For instance, River Phoenix and Brandon Lee are the two who came to me in spirit. Both are actors and both died the exact same year. I kept being told that they were "two sides of the same coin". And then later I was shown in a dream having a piece of cake that was four layers and it had split in half on my plate. People thought I had two pieces of cake, but I told them that, no, this was actually a single piece of cake. Later in the dream I saw two lamps and discovered that their cords met and they were powered by a single source. I think the same is true for most of us.

I was guided to Deryck Whibley of Sum 41 and later to Laura Jane Grace of Against Me!. Both are considered a type of punk by fans and both are the primary song writers of their bands. Without them, the band essentially would not exist. I was drawn to studying Nikola Tesla and Thomas Edison and again I was seeing two people who were the same but different.

Over and over I was seeing this pattern emerge that the average person would not be aware of or think to consider. So after having discovered my life as Ava, I considered that there must be another actress I hadn't discovered who was the light part of the duo as I believe fully that Ava is the dark one. I searched for an actress who had killed herself because it is such a big theme pervading my own life. That combined with the whole "dropping out of school" in my dreams and then coming back to finish made me feel there was something to be discovered in that search.

I read the whole list of actresses on that specific page and the only one I felt drawn to was Jean, so I explored more about her specifically.

As I explored her life, just like with Ava, I could see aspects of myself in Jean. Jean grew up in the Midwest and naturally had a strong sense of fairness and strived hard to to be inclusive to those who were considered minorities. She had a kind, gentle and giving heart, and in many respects, it was also her downfall because she didn't have a lot of balance. She didn't always make the best choices with her philanthropy and often got taken advantage of. I could see in her the kind, gentle sensitive me I was as a child. But life took its toll and the kind hearted me, the Snow White me, became buried in layers of ice and snow and the darker me "rose" to the surface and took over for her sister. In dreams there is a person named Rose and Rosie. And once I heard, "Rose Top died fairly." I didn't understand what that meant at the time, but I think it was showing me that the dark aspect had given way to Snow White so she could sit beside her sister in the driver's seat. I don't think Rose literally died, just stepped back and allowed some of that gentleness and kindness back to the surface. I had become angry, bitter and mean in order to survive my life.

Ava would eventually die alone with very few people actually caring that she had died. Frank Sinatra was one of two celebrity people who sent flowers to her funeral. She had pushed everyone away and let her addiction, bitterness, and regrets consume her. She didn't kill herself directly, but her choices led to her early death at 67.

Jean always felt misplaced and like she didn't belong here and I can relate so much to this feeling as I have always felt it too. Jean's life helped me understand some of the choices I made for this life. She had a string of romantic relationships where some were worse than others. But it was one after the others and sometimes overlapping because she was legally married while involved with some of the men. Ava had similar issues. I, however, have been largely commitment phobic where I think "love = pain" and I either sabotage myself, run away or choose people who are unattainable like all the crushes I had on gay men. They were safe. I could safely be affectionate without any expectations. When exploring the North Node in my astrological chart, I learned a lot about why I chose this life and the way I am living it. Finding Ava and Jean and learning about them confirmed exactly what the North Node exploration showed me. In this life I wanted to explore independence and not be so overwhelmed and mired in muck by relationships. In this life the person I wanted a relationship most with is myself.

On further exploration, I learned that Jean had two children. The first son was raised away from her in Spain by a nanny. I gasped at this and said to myself, "No wonder!" Later, she would have a daughter on August 23, 1970 which is also River Phoenix's birthday. Two days later her daughter died. She was heartbroken and devastated. She would never fully get over the loss and her partners would later reveal that she had tried to take her own life around the date of her daughter's birth and death. It explains why I am so drawn to mothers who have lost children. Ava had gotten pregnant once while married to Frank and, because of strict penalties she would face with her contract with MGM, she opted to terminate the pregnancy. Both women suffered a loss and both dealt with those losses in their own ways. Ava drank everything away. Jean became depressed and withdrawn. She became suicidal and would eventually succeed in taking her own life in 1979 at the age of 40.

I can understand completely why my whole adult life has been dedicated to raising children. First I raised other people's children for 17 years because someone else had raised my son, and then I stopped everything and sacrificed a lot so I can be home raising my own child. She has barely had a baby sitter. I can count on one hand how many times we asked friends to care for our daughter while we went out for a few hours. And is it any coincidence that I was determined to have a little girl even if I never married? I think not.

Night before last I had a dream where I had come upon a woman who was crying that her baby girl wasn't breathing. She held her baby out to me and I wasn't sure what to do. I was trying to find my way out of this place and I didn't want to be delayed. I asked her if she knew CPR or maybe there was some emergency assistance on campus that could help her baby. I believe fully that woman was Jean Seberg, an aspect of me, trying to help give me the clues so I could help her and her baby by putting the pieces together and healing all of our lives by restoring balance within this vehicle.

Clues are around us all the time trying to show us what we need to know about who we have been. We tend to ignore and brush it away. Everyone wants to have a celebrity past life, right? Not me. I have a strong distaste and loathing for celebrity. I can't think of anything I would like less than living in a fishbowl with no real privacy, which actually lends more weight to the idea that these two women are a part of me. They lived that life and it didn't end well for either of them. It seems understandable that I would choose a life as a "nobody"this time around.

Edited to add:

Yesterday I said the below to a friend as a response:

Ditto! I love you so much too. ❤ I know there are those scattered here and there who get it. They hear what I am saying and they understand the language I am speaking. But it is when we go into the trenches in "enemy" territory and speak openly about what we believe that it can get pretty difficult to endure the flames licking you, taunting you to see if you will run from them. I didn't come to preach to the choir. Fuck. I didn't come to preach at all but I share my journey, I share my ideas and opinions in places that are unfriendly because I know those places need the seeds in my pocket the most. I know you do the same as well. And when we brave those fires and walk away, we don't walk away unscathed. We walk away transformed and changed for all that we learned from those difficulties.

I didn't know why I was typing what I did at the time, but as I researched Jean, I learned that she had been badly burned during the filming of her first film, Saint Joan where she played Joan of Arc. Suddenly the words I selected had so much more meaning and gave validation to the idea that she was within me, helping me and guiding me.

Monday, February 5, 2018

Sexuality and Spirituality

I'm a little hot and bothered about something....and not in a good way.

Ceramic sculpture by Kim Reyes (detail)
I did a search for the above image to find out who the artist is and was dismayed to see it attached to a whole lot of new age bullshit about having sex with people and soul ties and why women are so crazy now. I would laugh except it is disgusting that they would use a beautiful piece of art by Kim Reyes titled "Self Discovery", not to mention the complete garbage they are feeding people about sex.

Ceramic sculpture by Kim Reyes

Dear new age spiritual people who fear monger about soul ties and sex....

...FUCK OFF!!!

Dear religious people who promise eternal damnation for masturbation and other forms of sex...

...FUCK OFF!!!

Each community thinks they are better than the other and they are both so full of shit it isn't even funny. It is time for me to speak out about sex, fucking making love, masturbating or whatever you want to call it.

Why, why, why do so many people from all sides make sex out to be "evil" and something to be repressed? It is the very repression by self righteous, pious zealots that is causing perversions. Repression is causing people to act on impulses in ways that hurt other people.

One of my Facebook friends shared the soul ties bit and asked his readers:

"I would like to hear your thoughts feelings and responses to this post. There is no wrong ones. We are all in this soup together."

My response:

"I would argue that if "we are all one" then really anything you take on from someone else is actually yours anyway.. 😉"


"in one sense that is true  but this brings it down to a more personal level . I think you feel it different here"


"To me it feels like a different community but the same song and dance where we demonize women and sex. I am not saying go out and sleep with everything that moves, but why do we have to put so much fear around sex? Why do we have to put this in the lap (womb) of the female and not give equal responsibility for creating balance to the men? The men are participating, afterall. If we were balanced as a society in regard to sexual relationships, I think there would be a natural progression to choosing deeper and more connected sexual relationships. If there was less repression, maybe sex wouldn't be such a hot commodity and sell. Human trafficking is often about sex. And what about priests who take a vow of celibacy and then go out and molest children? Repression of sex and placing fear, guilt, shame, and blame around it is only causing more imbalance. What the author of this share is doing is exactly the same as many of the religious organizations around the globe only with different terminology and different fear tactics. If we were a balanced society, we would teach our children about connection and healthy sexual connections and they would naturally gravitate towards those kinds of relationships. But we are so polarized. We demonize and blame women for their own rapes. This is not an issue for one individual or one gender, but for our entire society to take a look at what we are teaching and putting out there for our young. Our thoughts create and polarization too far in one direction or the other is imbalance."

We crave connection, which is not necessarily romantic love. I believe fully that if we felt more connection in our day to day lives within our community, we wouldn't be seeking it through acts of sex only to feel more empty and less connected when we do. Fear, blame, guilt and shame doled out by religious and spiritual groups are twisting our thoughts and beliefs which, in turn, are holding us hostage from being able to make the leap in evolution collectively we should have made ages ago.

I fully reject the idea of taking on soul ties from all of your sexual partners. Thought and belief create your reality and if you buy into that bullshit, then it will be true for you but not me. And what about sex in the afterlife? You are talking about taking on energy of all the people you have slept with in the physical, but we are nothing but energy in the afterlife and there is plenty of sex and energy merging over there, I can assure you. Why are they not afraid of getting energetic cooties? Because they understand that thoughts and beliefs create.

I would go a step further and propose that the imbalance and repression of sex is what caused STDs to manifest in the first place. I don't think they existed until we started feeling fear, shame, guilt and blame around the act. Illness starts in the energetic body first and later manifests in the physical body. Our feelings and emotions are capable of creating fertile ground for cancer and a whole host of other illness. Our thoughts give illness an energetic permission slip. That is not to say that there are not those who come in to be a canary in the coal mine to show us there is a very serious problem. There are those who agree to go through hell for the purpose of helping those around them learn profound lessons.

Sex creates. Sacred sex is beautiful. What if true sacred sex where there is connection between every chakra and on every level is actually the gateway home? What if it is a key meeting the lock that opens a door to a different realm and a different way of being? I believe that is the case and we are being kept away from opening the door by false information surrounding sex.

Sacred sex requires self love.

Sacred sex requires balance.

Sacred sex requires education and knowledge about empathy and creating healthy connections.

What thoughts and beliefs are you allowing to hold you hostage and which ones will you let go of so you can be free?

Thursday, February 1, 2018

Dreaming About Past Lives and Ava Gardner

Let's talk about past lives and how we come to discover our other lives.

There was one time I had two people approach me separately and say they were given the message to tell me to do past life work. I never could afford a regression and I never tried the self regression CD I bought. Later I was told by intuitive Jeannie Barnes that I should start reading about past life work and that where I needed to go would stem from there. She said my guides wanted me to read a specific Brian L. Weiss book. I did read the book my guides mentioned and Dolores Cannon soon followed. Their work opened me like a can of worms... especially Dolores' work.

It was reading those books that made me realize I was dreaming about my other selves pretty consistently, but it wasn't always a scene from that life that I witnessed. Sometimes it was more subtle and bits and parts of personas came through. I have had lots of lives as ordinary people...a slave girl, a boy dying from the plague, a Nazi soldier, a girl who was murdered and buried alive, and an African American girl whose mother abandoned her so she could be with her boyfriend.

I never really had a desire to lay claim to any celebrity personas. So many people do and we all roll our eyes at them, don't we? But you absolutely must follow the clues and breadcrumbs you are being given, even if they land in the lap of a famous person.

That is what happened to me recently. I was following my breadcrumbs from my dreams. Once I dreamed about a guy I adored. I see what I identify as Caesar's Palace and the house of the guy who liked me showed me where he lived and his house had a giant grilled cheese on top. I laughed at the symbol which was kind of a pun..."the big cheese". For some reason I did a search to see if there were any celebrities who liked grilled cheese and the main hit I got was Frank Sinatra. Apparently he loved them and that was the last thing he ate before he died. He also spent a good deal of time performing at Caesar's Palace. I was amused but didn't chase it any further than that.

I can't even remember how or why I later looked up Ava Gardner on a hunch. Maybe it was the dream I had that was set in 1941 that caused me to look up information about her to see if I could find anything that fit. Much to my amazement and surprise, I found information that matched her life in such a way that I was absolutely convinced that she was another aspect and she is very much on board in this current vessel. I shared those dreams on my FB page and Instagram. I sometimes dream AS her like when I was back in London showing my old apartment to someone. This version of me has never lived in London but Ava did. The information was accurate to what I learned about where she lived before she died. I dreamed about having issues with one of my legs and how much harder everything was for me to navigate now. Near the end, Ava had suffered two strokes and her left side took the hit. It is my left side I always injure. Ava had been a heavy smoker and she eventually died from pneumonia. I developed asthma in my 30s from acid reflux. Do you see the parallel?

By klimbims at DeviantArt
So I sat there going, okay, now what? How is her life relevant? Why make me aware now and what do I need to know? I have checked out several books about her and have just started studying her today like a subject in school. 10 chapters into the first book and I see so much of myself in her. She is funny, honest, raw and says "fuck" a lot. What I have come to know about her so far, I love. I love her candor and her personality. Don't get me wrong, she was a class A fuck up, but she was charming. I believe I am supposed to somehow understand why I chose this current life in order to kind of balance out what she had experienced in her life. But that is the key word.... balance. I can see how Ava swung too far in one direction with how sexual she was and I swing too far in the other direction with how frigid I am. I think I somehow need to find the middle and apply it to my life. There might be other things I have to learn and gain about her life as I go deeper into studying her.

Tonight I was rereading a dream I shared in a past blog post. I was stunned to see certain little bits that prove to me I was dreaming through her persona, seeing through her eyes and hearing her voice. It didn't make sense to me before because I knew nothing about the woman then. In the dream I was talking with a southern accent and I couldn't understand why. Also the way I spoke and the terms I used was so Ava. She seemed to call everyone "honey" and would end her sentences this way frequently and I did this in the dream. There are some things I waffle on and am uncertain of in regard to information that comes through in dreams, but this, Ava being one of my other lives, I am absolutely certain of. With each new thing I discover in old dreams, it makes it more solid and concrete.

What are your dreams trying to show you? Do you have another life you are being handed to help you understand your current life? It isn't always easy to extract, but follow your hunches and the bread crumbs.

We are all on a fucking Scooby Doo adventure, honey. The adventure of self discovery that leads us back to ourselves.

Sunday, December 3, 2017

Transgender Brainwashing Bullshit

Borrowed from Laura Jane Grace's Instagram page.

I have come out of my antisocial hole to speak out about an issue that is close to my heart. One of my Facebook friends posted a link to a video of Laura Jane Grace at a library speaking to children about gender variations. You have to understand that she wasn't speaking to an unsuspecting audience. These were parents and children who are already dealing with these issues first hand and Laura was there to say "you aren't alone and we support you." I have read so many horrible and ignorant comments about her trying to brainwash the children. Trust me when I say, there is no brainwashing in allowing your children to be who they feel they are at their core. I call that love, support, understanding and compassion.

My comment to my FB friend on his share where there were only hateful comments:

Borrowed from Laura Jane Grace's Instagram page.

I love Laura and love what she does in being a voice for those the rest of the world fail to understand. I know lots of kids who show signs of not fitting gender norms and I have also seen them being abused by parents for showing those tendencies. Parents who show compassion and understanding for their children and allow them to simply be who they really are are to be admired and respected. Clearly the majority of the people viewing this lack compassion and understanding. Someone I love dearly and helped raise is trans and it doesn't make her sick, disgusting or mentally ill. She is a lovely, intelligent and beautiful person and people like Laura and myself want to make it a safer, more accepting world where our kids can be who they are without fear.

Now let me tell you a personal story.

Years ago when I was in my early twenties, my younger brother married a woman who had a young son. My brother, his wife and his young step son moved into the house with me and my mom. For a time I took care of the child while his mom worked. My sister-in-law had him when she was only 17 so her parents had a big role in her son's life. Unfortunately what they taught him was that what can be bought for him equals love...but that is another story. For the most part M was a good kid. He was 4 years old when my brother and sister-in-law found that he had taken some of his mother's pantyhose and underwear and had hidden them. I think they might have even caught him trying them on. The details are fuzzy as it was over 20 years ago. But basically when the hidden women's garments were found, my brother tore into him both physically and verbally.

No child should ever have to endure that and I was horrified. Did his "offense" really justify having him be spanked in anger brutally and being verbally assaulted. Is the idea that he might be gay really an offense worth scarring him for life that it would take him years to overcome and come out openly as gay? Maybe he would have decided he was trans if he had been allowed to explore gender variations safely.

These kids KNOW early on they have these inclinations and that has nothing to do with brainwashing. Education is not brainwashing. Understanding and compassion is not brainwashing. It is fucking embracing who they are and giving them a safe environment to EXPLORE who they want to be. Maybe M would have chosen to be transgender or maybe he would have simply decided he was gay and either choice should have been embraced and accepted, but it wasn't what happened to him. As a result he repressed who he was for years and turned to drugs. He became a pretty fucked up and ill-adjusted person.

M's family and I have been estranged for many years now. I no longer have contact with him but my heart bleeds for him and for who he could have been had he been given love, understanding and compassion instead in those tender years of his development. I think our kids deserve more from us as a collective society. Why is it so difficult to take your closed minded heads out of your asses and see that love and compassion really aren't as difficult as you might imagine. People are people no matter the gender identification or sexual orientation.

Here is where we consider the possible spiritual aspects of being transgender.

For those in the spiritual community, we know we have had many, many incarnations in these flesh prisons. Wouldn't it stand to reason that as we start to remember who we really are at our core, we could remember being an individual who is not the gender we are currently born? I remember many of my lives and I have been both male and female. Do I feel like I was born in the wrong body? Not at all which is what we call "cis gender". But for someone who has had more lives as female and a part of their subconscious remembers but they are born male, they might struggle. Past life memories are real regardless of what you believe about reincarnation. More and more young children are remembering their past lives and it would stand to reason if they were pretty fucking confused when they aren't what they remember.

So instead of hate, intolerance and violence, maybe we can try to be understanding how difficult it already is for them and try to make their lives a little easier by simply loving and embracing who they want to be.

Sunday, November 5, 2017

When Your Theory is Proven Wrong

Photo by Lucia O'Connor-McCarthy
I can admit it.

I was wrong.

I have been wrong a lot when trying to solve the two puzzles that were given to me. Completing the puzzles means I can complete the game, but both of my puzzles are still incomplete.

I had a dream on September 18, 2017:

I had a nap and dreamed something about some story ... some meme being passed around. I told people they should go to the one who wrote the story to unravel it. I was seeing following a string that was rather complicated to follow because it was tangled. I heard the name Jinnway (Jin Wei?) and remember thinking about a genie/jinn. I saw myself going to the author to get the next part of the story. "Go to the one who wrote the story to unravel it."

Interesting to note is that I did a search of that name and was reminded of the episode in Avatar: The Last Airbender, the animated series, called "The Great Divide" where there was a character named Jin Wei and one named Wei Jin.

Photo by Anton Tammi

In the Torah, using the Torah Code there is a sequence of: TORAH - TORAH - YHWH - HAROT - HAROT

HAROT is TORAH spelled backwards which echos the Jin Wei/Wei Jin thing. Again we are seeing forward/backward names. I get images of ink being dripped on one side of a paper and then the paper being folded to create an exact mirror image. The YHWH points to the true identity at the center and the TORAH/HAROT shows us two sides of the same coin.

On October 18, 2017 I would be guided to the author of the story that my dream eluded to. It was on that day that I would start researching the story of Enki, Enlil and Ninmah. Zechariah Sitchin wrote several books based on information gained from ancient Sumerian writings. The Lost Book of Enki is said to be memoirs of Enki. The information in this book basically negates my "Original Sin Theory" a point. There were multiple Adams and Eves...aka experimental humanoids....and not just one line. There was the original line and then there was the line that Enki contributed to by getting it on with two human women.

I can see clearly where certain misconceptions and myths developed over time. The Bible got its most significant stories from these ancient Sumerian stories, but the stories get distorted and have gaping holes where important information is left out. I can see how the Enki, Enlil and Ninmah love triangle got twisted into the whole Adam and Eve tale. There wasn't drama and infidelity with this genetically manipulated couple. The drama happened with their creators. I can clearly see how the myth of Lilith came from Ninmah. She was a very intelligent doctor and scientist. She initially was intended to marry her half brother, Enki. Before the marriage took place, her half brother, Enlil, seduced her and she gave birth to his first song. As punishment, their father forbid her from ever marrying, but the love triangle continued on Earth where she gave birth to two daughters from Enki's seed. Enki was married to a different half sister and Enlil was ordered to marry the woman he raped who was part of Ninmah's team of healers.

Photo by Terry Border
So much becomes more clear after reading the Lost Book of Enki, but it also negates my earlier theories. I felt really annoyed after gaining this new knowledge. I was really pissed. Not because I had gotten it wrong before, but because Enki's memoirs make it really clear that we inherited the problems of our makers. The imbalance was in place long before we were created. The patriarchy model was alive and well, complete with power struggles, wars and betrayals. It pissed me off that any of us would revere and worship these assholes who helped create a micro community of fucked up people. I say "micro" because they were larger and lived a lot longer than us...bigger dicks, bigger pissing contests.

The biggest question remains. Where and when did we fall into imbalance? What needs to be corrected to bring this entire reality into balance?

I still believe fully that we are inside a virtual reality and we are playing a game. Trying to complete the game when you aren't sure what the objective is, is difficult.

What I am certain of is there are two puzzles I am trying to untangle and put together. I believe one story is the story that took place inside the game and the other is fragments to my real life outside the game.

To put this into perspective, Enki, Enlil and Ninmah are elaborate versions of Mario, Luigi and Princess Peach. Our challenge is to look at the story, discover where and how the balance got thrown off and then to correct it. It is a game...a learning tool. Somewhere among the pieces are bits of the real us but it is difficult to sort it all out and know which pieces. Part of what keeps us from graduating from this school is our beliefs. Since it is our thoughts that create in here, they also can hold us hostage and keep us on the hamster wheel.

Monday, August 28, 2017

I Love Lucifer, the Lindworm Prince

Photo by Jaroslaw Datta

Is that title shocking to some of you? Do the names "Lucifer" and "Satan" fill you with fear and trepidation?

They used to fill me with all kinds of fear because it was taught to me that he was a bad guy. But my fear wasn't just in the God of the Underworld, I feared so much that it is amazing I was ever able to function. Fear ruled my life.

Embarking on a spiritual journey, which evolved into a journey back to myself, gave me the tools and knowledge to release my fears. Don't get me wrong, the spiritual community has its fair share of fear based people whose teachings create more fear. Fear keeps us from finding ourselves. If you are too scared to ever face your shadows, you will never make it all the way back to yourself.

Let's give you a quick reminder of what I have covered in previous blog posts. When we step inside the game, we split apart into two identical polar opposite twins. Only their personalities are different. Shit went down in Paradise and it was paradise no more. One twin was blamed for everything that went wrong and he is still blamed today. One twin we call "God" and the other twin we call "Satan/Lucifer." Lucifer did become God of the simply dying. One brother ruled the "living" while the other brother ruled the "dead." But in truth, there really isn't much difference between the two realms that are actually layered on top of each other. The only difference is a supposed "veil" between the two worlds, programming in the game that tells us we can't see "dead people." Without that veil you would be seeing "dead people" all over the place and all up in your business. LoL It might be a little weird because the rules and parameters for "dead people" are different to that of the living. Dead people can walk through walls and living people have a lot more limitations.

Art by George Clark Stanton

I honestly think the saying "As above, so below" is really about the world of the living and the world of the dead because in so many cultures, the world of the dead is seen as being far below the world of the living. I don't think this reality resembles anything like the really real world outside this Virtual Reality. So the only thing that makes sense for that saying is about the two different realms...this side and the other side.

I posted the below originally on Instagram:

"I have this theory. Stop rolling your eyes. Lol

What if Yeshua never died on the cross and it is the BIGGEST lie ever told? We have based whole religions on a single event...the death of Christ.

What if he never died? What would it do to Christianity? How would they move forward and justify what they do in the name of Jesus?

When I did research about Yeshua because my guides were very insistent, I was surprised to learn Thomas' real name wasn't Thomas at all. It was Didymos Judas and they called him Thomas because he was a doppelganger for Yeshua. The name Thomas means "twin."  Didymos also means "twin " What if Thomas took Yeshua's place and suffered the brutality, torture and death that was meant for someone else?

What if the real sacrifice has been kept secret for all these thousands of years? How would it change your view to know Yeshua didn't die for your sins but faked his own death and lived out his life in France?

I believe that is exactly what happened. After Thomas died, Yeshua assumed his name for a time until he could flee entirely and took on a new name.

Religion is the single most damaging and ridiculous thing to ever exist in this reality and has been a source for so much cruelty and injustice. I think the time is near when these long hidden truths will be revealed."

I will take it a step further and say that, based on information coming to me in dreams, signs and syncs, I believe fully that Yeshua, the son of God faked his own death and Thomas, a biological cousin and the son of Lucifer, took Yeshua's place on the cross. That doesn't mean God or Lucifer got it on with some human person. It means that the student driving the Yeshua vehicle had the God twin on board in the passenger seat to help navigate the game and the polar opposite twin of that student was driving the Thomas vehicle with the Lucifer twin in the passenger seat. Essentially they were polar opposites come together and that lifetime should have been "game over, let's all go home" but shit got fucked up.

Art by Alexander Andreyevich Ivanov

Don't get me started on the fact that I fully believe Yeshua was in love with a biological man...a transgender woman people call Mary Magdalene. *Gasp* What? Do you really think they didn't exist back then just because there wasn't plastic surgery and hormone therapy? Of course they existed but we will conveniently rewrite history to suit our palate. We do it all the time.

Art by Evelyn de Morgan

I love Lucifer with all of my heart and soul. I can say that in complete honesty and sincerity. His story is the ultimate "Beauty and the Beast" story arc. He is hated and blamed for every "bad" thing. He is the red headed step-child in the corner we all keep kicking because of fear, lies, and a need to blame something outside of ourselves. We hate him because we lack understanding and compassion for him and our own shadow selves. We have made him out to be a monster in this game but he is no monster. He is just a man who stepped inside this Virtual Reality and has had a whole lot of shit thrown at him during this game. He is tired. He is lonely and he longs for understanding and love.

Illustration by Kay Nielson

I understand him. I love him and I will love him until all those layers are peeled away from the Lindworm Prince to reveal his true magnificence.

Illustration by Kay Nielson

How can you love Lucifer too?

You can love and honor Lucifer by taking responsibility for all of your own shit, by embracing, understanding and loving your own shadow selves. End your codependent relationship with fear. Love you...all of you. Not just the parts that are easy to love but all of your parts. By loving all of your parts, you integrate and tame the Beast that is longing to be loved and understood.

I will leave you with a video that tells my favorite tale of The Lindworm Prince.

Wednesday, August 16, 2017

Original Sin Theory, Reccuring Patterns and Issues

I have been twisting those "original sin" puzzle pieces around and around in my head. I know for sure something went terribly wrong with the first set who split into four and started the game. I definitely feel like the rest of us are trying to correct the problem and restore balance. It has to be something more than they ended up with the wrong partners.

I was talking to a friend and saying, "They left off a 6 in the book of Revelation. It should be 6666. Someone changed it." The reason why I believe this is there were 6 Adams, 6 Eves, 6 Lucifers and 6 Liliths. 12 students split into identical duplicates. When I said this, I remembered a dream I had where I saw 3 sixes that looked to be part of a recipe and there was a fourth 6 way off to the side. I think this is Lilith. I think she kind of got forgotten and left out of the story that was passed down and eventually altered over and over again until there were only pieces of truths left.

While I was looking for that specific dream, I came across a different one that spoke of a big black cat turning into a big black dog. A light bulb went off when I read that because it makes so much more sense if they all started out as basically the same species because, if you remember, I said when we split apart into two, we were exact duplicates of ourselves. Essentially we were sets of identical twins. So it was more like Atom and Eva (Alpha first set) and Adam and Eve (Omega second set). They were given different names in the tale probably to better differentiate between the two sets.

So what happened at the beginning of the game? What went so wrong it created such chaos and suffering that we are experiencing now?

This first set of 4 set the tone for all other players in the game and are known as the Originals. The rest of us are copies of copies of copies. I also believe that each of us embody one of the 4 archetypes from the original story arch. Our task is to identify who we embody and what our core issues are from this life we are currently living. By looking at your Issues and seeing how they are connected to that original archetype character, you have accomplished half of the battle. Most of us think our issues stem from this current life alone. When I took a close look at my primary recurring patterns and issues, I could clearly see how they stem from the Lilith/Eva perspective. Identifying these patterns also helped me come to some possible conclusions about what happened in the original story arch.

What I believe is a strong possibility of what happened is that there was infidelity for sure. Eva from set 1 went off with Adam from set 2 and they had a fling and wanted to be together. This discovery probably devastated Eve from set 2. It caused such a wound that it lingered and festered. She went through a myriad of emotions. She likely felt anger, rage, rejection, not feeling good enough, self loathing, betrayal and a hurt so deep that the only way to stop the bleeding was to freeze her heart in layers of ice so that she could become numb. Atom and Adam, who were basically twin brothers, probably fought over Eva and this further caused Eve to feel left out of the equation. Her festering wound likely caused a significant depression and a tendency to cling to what she had left. According to the Torah Codes, a lot of death occurred at the beginning. Did the brothers fight and one die accidentally? I believe this is likely, which would have caused sadness, grief and guilt for all involved. I believe Eva took her own life in order to leave the game. Only the game isn't that simple and she couldn't actually wake up to the really real world without her other part of herself. She couldn't wake up from the nightmare it had become. That was when she discovered that when she chose to drop out of school, she wasn't free because the Afterlife had other plans for her per the rules of the game. Upon killing herself, she changed from being a Black cat to being a Black dog. She now had to live out her time working in "the underworld" and dealing with troubled "dead" people.

So what is the aftermath of suicide for those left behind? There was probably, guilt, grief and a huge sense of loss. I think these are very strong possibilities based on what I know about my own patterns which I will discuss next.

Keep in mind that I also believe this reality is "Empathy World" where we have to walk a mile in the shoes of others when we come back. Some people call this karma.

I believe I was the cheater since I am playing the role of Eva/Lilith.

A huge pattern I have noticed is infidelity. I have been surrounded by people cheating on their partners and, for most of my life, I have been very rigid and judgemental about it. I have abhorred the cheater. It was like life kept presenting me with opportunity after opportunity to make different choices this time and I wasn't getting it. I needed to understand how I had made others feel, but I also had to learn forgiveness for myself and self acceptance. By hating the cheater, I was actually hating myself.

I have sexual hang-ups. When I was in my 20s I would experience real guilt and self loathing when I had sex with someone. I would go for long periods of celibacy. I often feel like I could live the rest of my life without sex and be completely okay with it. This, of course, is an imbalance. I know this but am not sure how I can completely correct it because there have been no opportunities presented to do so. The main thing I can do is let go of the guilt and belief that sex is bad just because it seemed to fuck up paradise way back when.

I was perpetually single in my youth. I had a lot of hostility towards the male gender and a lot of fear if a guy actually said he loved me. My first innocent boyfriend who asked me to "go steady" with him was when I was 12. He made the mistake of telling me he loved me and I immediately broke up with him after. I briefly liked a boy when I was 14 and we kissed a little and held hands. He told me he loved me and I got really annoyed the second time he said it and told him he had no idea what love was and told him I didn't want to see him anymore. It was a pattern with me. I liked the ones who didn't like me back because they were safe. A sure way to get me to end my crush was to reciprocate. You see, in my mind, love equals pain and I didn't want to be hurt.

I have had a lot of anger issues throughout my life. Sometimes I feel so angry that if I could annihilate this planet with a button, I would do it. I know I have the potential to be very cutting and mean when I am angered too. Thankfully I have been able to calm the Beast inside since heading down a spiritual path.

I experienced a plethora or selfloathing and often felt like I wasn't good enough. I was anorexic-bulimic. I mostly starved myself a lot and when I ate and felt guilty about it, I would make myself throw up. I never thought I was worth very much. As a third child, I felt perpetually left out and overlooked. I felt invisible. When I was a young child I would play out fantasies in my head where there was a contest between me and other girls and the guy I fancied would choose me over them. That is a huge one. I want to be chosen as a first choice and not just as an afterthought because they were rejected by the one they wanted. I want to feel special and wanted and valued. Here again I can clearly see how I have been walking a mile in Atom and Eve's shoes to see how they felt.

Silence equals death to me. Being cut off and shut off from communication absolutely crushes my soul. It is unbearable when people won't communicate with me or suddenly cut off ties with no explanation. It hurts at first and then becomes a bitter rage that turns to venom.

Suicide is another theme. I am surrounded by suicide. Sometimes it is successful and other times it is simply attempts. When I was 16 I was suicidal and all I could think about was ways to escape this life and all the pressures of it. I ended up dropping out of school that year which successfully alleviated some of the stress from my pressure cooker. Leaving school is exactly what I think Eva did when she killed herself so it was very symbolic in ways because I often have dreams about being back in highschool and being pissed off about it. I suddenly realize I don't have to be there and leave. Recently I have had dreams about finishing school and feeling pleased I actually finished even though I won't get credit for it because I am not back officially or registered. I really struggle with staying in the game. It is a daily battle because there is a part of me that just doesn't want to be here and have to continue to suffer. I am tired. I am in pain and I want out. So I talk about it in hopes that will be enough to keep me in the game another day.

So what now?

I have no idea.
Art by Luis Royo

What this theory of Adam and Eva hanging out in the "Underworld" suggests is that when they split into identical duplicates, they were simply opposites....Atom white cat, Adam black cat, Eve white cat and Eva black cat. But when Eva became a black dog and later Adam became a black the Underworld...they became the shadow selves and were further polarized from their siblings. Our challenge is to pull ourselves together by loving our shadows and working through the issues from the Original story arch.

Which orginal character do you embody?

What patterns and issues are you being presented with to work through?

I know now that the majority of my heart chakra issues stem from the original story arch of Eva (aka Lilith). I have hypertension and asthma which are both heart chakra related. My Hope is that by acknowledging and working through the issues, I will be able to clear the blockages and then heal both my body and soul.