Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Confessions of a Lone Wolf and Social Introvert


"Social Introvert"  kind of seems like an oxymoron, but it describes me perfectly.  It makes sense given my Tropical astrological leanings.  I have a Libra Sun (social butterflies) and Cancer Rising (Introversion tendencies).  I am a walking contradiction and apparently I set it up that way before I came into this physical incarnation.  People who meet me and talk to me would assume that I am always really outgoing and socially inclined.  While I can function (sometimes) in social settings, what most people don't realize is many social settings makes me very uncomfortable.  Social media is an introvert's paradise.  We can be as social as we want to be without all of those bodies in our personal space. 

I LOVE people.  Really, I do.  And I HATE people. lol  I love to get to know people and hear about their personal stories of their lives....but out in the physical world, I like to keep my distance.  At parties, I am that person that picks a dark corner to watch everyone and cringe if someone tries to engage me in meaningless chitchat.  I'm great in one-on-one, in-person conversations.  I could probably even hang with a small group of good friends comfortably.  I feel extreme anxiety out at big concerts and any setting where people are TOO CLOSE to me.  It makes me want to crawl out of my skin.  My best friend begged me to go to Lollapalooza with her one year for her birthday.  The idea of this was SO distasteful to me.  Smashing Pumpkins and L7 were performing that year.  She had to beg me to go and I finally caved.  I was still a smoker then and used my cigarette as a means of keeping people at a distance and burning people who got in my personal space and tried to dance on top of me.  lol 

I am a conflicted being.  As a small child I wanted friends desperately and yet I always seemed to be the "outcast".  Because I liked to imagine I lived in a musical, I remember vividly singing little sad songs about how lonely I felt at recess on the playground.  And the friends I did have, I liked okay, but was often secretly relieved when I could play on my own after they went home.

I have never completely understood people who have a desire to have people around them 24/7 either.  I like time alone and if I don't get enough of it I get really grumpy and start lashing out.  I dated a guy briefly who I would spend physical time with and then he would leave, get home and call me.  I would say, "Why are you calling me?  You just left my house!"  He was one of those people who like people around all the time.  He couldn't understand how anxious and suffocated it made me feel to have him around so much.  I ended up finally telling him I couldn't see him anymore.  Our needs were so different and the more he tried to hold me close, the more repulsed I was by his very presence.  That ended with him telling me I was cold and unfeeling and me laughing while he did so, which pretty much just reinforced what he believed.  It isn't that I am cold and unfeeling.  I feel a lot, but we all express our needs and feelings in different ways.

I understand now that part of my aversion to large crowds of people has to do with being an empath.  I pick up the emotions and feelings of those around me even if I am not consciously aware of it and it is equivalent to over-stimulation for a toddler.  I become overwhelmed and have inner meltdowns and feeling the need to flee whatever over crowded scene I am in.  I know other empaths experience similar feelings in crowds.  The other part of my aversion is that I am very independent by nature.  I like my own company.  I like time alone with my thoughts.  I like time to ponder all the big questions of life.  I like time alone to write all that is at the core of my being.

I had really wild dreams a couple nights in a row.  This one seemed almost like it was from a future incarnation.  I can't completely explain what it is I felt but I remember waking up and saying that "The solar poles must be shifting because I am having some really vivid weird ass dreams...almost like a tv signal is being beamed into my head."  When I went online, I discovered I was correct.  The sun's poles had, indeed, flipped.  Here is that dream:

December 29, 2013 The dream was about two kids about 17-18years old. The boy was found living in a car with his chimpanzee companion. They took the chimp away because the chimp had become senile in his old age. The boy was upset because he had been with him his whole life and wanted to care for the chimp even though he was senile. He wasn't dangerous and wasn't violent.  Anyway, the boy was sent off to a reform school. The other character was a girl. She was a hard core gamer. She had 4 of her favorite games tattooed on her right arm and at times I saw through her eyes. The boy was sullen and withdrawn. At the school the kids were mean. The girl was tough and nothing phased her. She looked at him as a challenge and wanted to see if he would let her in, so she started talking to him. He easily attached to her because she was kind to him. The girl had been found living alone and of course gaming when they found her and they threw her into the reform school. She got in trouble a lot there because she wasn't going to live by any rules. Anyway, the two hit it off and right away the boy is talking marriage. The girl thinks it is cute that he is so taken with her and goes with it and they have a relationship but she knows that she is young and there was no way in hell she was going to spend her whole life with just one person. She already was thinking ahead to her life without him even though she knew it would crush him.
I could really see myself in the girl character....glaringly so. lol 

Enter the internet age.  Being able to socialize online has allowed me the opportunity to be a social butterfly without the anxiety of large physical social settings.  I engage in multiple conversations with people regularly.  Writing is easy and second nature for me, so composing my thoughts in written form is not a hardship.  It isn't really surprising that many of the people I have gravitated toward are also writers who feel more comfortable being social online than in person.  We crave in-person interactions, just not crowds of people settings.  It is a shame so many of my "online friends" are scattered all over the U.S. and other countries.




Sunday, July 13, 2014

Kombucha and Dandelion Root Tea

Yeah...so, I bet you didn't anticipate this would turn into a cooking blog too, huh? hahahaha  Well, even though I truly believe a healthy diet is very much a part of spiritual practice, I promise not to do many of these.   I felt it was the best way to show Kate Sitka that I already am a weirdo that digs up my dandelions to consume.  I make a point to ask Inara to blow the dandelion puffs as much as possible to grow a new harvest for the following year. lol
While I am no longer making my own kombucha right now, I would like to start again only try using a white tea that has less caffeine. 

Here are a series of pictures of the first komucha scoby I grew from a bottle of store bought kombucha.

Day 1
Day 4
Day 4.5
Day 5.5
Day 10

Left jar is finished kombucha and scoby.  The middle and right are a fresh batch I started.

Cultures For Health is where I found a good video to instruct me on how to make my own kombucha and scoby.


Now here is my dandelion root tea project.  Let me just say, I LOVE this type of tea and it is incredibly good for you.  Some of the benefits I have copy/pasted are listed here at this MindBodyGreen:
  1. It improves digestion and aids weight loss.
  2. It eases congestion of the liver.
  3. It helps to purify the bladder and kidneys.
  4. It reduces the risk of urinary tract infections.
  5. It contains calcium, magnesium, iron, zinc, potassium, vitamins B and C.
  6. It helps to purify the blood, regulate blood sugar and improves blood circulation.
  7. It helps to ease bloating and aching joints.
  8. It helps to cure skin conditions.



If you have a lawn that chemical fertilizers are not used on and you have abundant dandelions, you can go this this SITE to learn how to make your own dandelion root tea.

Saturday, July 12, 2014

Love As The Key


Love As The Key

Another day is gone
Oh how time goes by so fast
I'm just one person
In this world small yet vast
So many seeking 
Searching for riches and treasure
So many are blinded
By the glimmer of material pleasure
Is it so easily forgotten
Where your heart's desire should be?
The real riches of life
Are obtained with love as the key

Written July 1, 1990
By Oktobre Taylor

Eternal Love



Eternal Love

The soft white snow falls
Like a blanket on the land
And it quickly melts away
When it floats into a hand

As I look out the picture window
I give a long deep sigh
Thoughts roll wildly through my mind
And silently I wonder why

Feelings that I can't explain
Surge through my entire soul
My essence is an abstract park
Where confusion takes a stroll

In a city where I've never been
A warm familiar face I see
His smile is bright and cheerful
I know that smile is for me

If only he could always 
Be there to brighten my day
Yet I know I'll have to go
Although I wish I could stay

A dream I've had for years
Is rooted deeply within
They say to get to the fruit
You have to go out on a limb

So that's what I am doing now
On a fine line, I'm taking a chance
I'm looking towards a blue sky
I hope he will join in my dance.

Written January 22, 1987
By Oktobre Taylor

Author's Notes:
  I have no recollection of writing this poem or who I could have been writing about.  lol  I guess he was pretty memorable.  Hahaha  Maybe I was channeling my future self for an event that has yet to take place.  That is my theory and I am sticking to it.

Thursday, July 3, 2014

Being Different

September 17, 1992 Journal Entry

Unrest fills me as the longing to be away from here, far away, lingers on. I feel so misplaced and have since the day I was born. I've never fit in anywhere. Even as a small child I was different. I tried and tried to be like everyone else, yet nothing worked. I look like everyone else on the outside but my uniqueness always shows through as if I had red and blue plaid skin and purple hair. I often hear, "You're so strange" or "You're so weird." Sometimes I think I must be on the wrong planet. There are things I feel and think in which the words to express them don't exist. So can any ONE person ever come to truly understand me? I think not. All of this contributes to my sense of being utterly alone. Just a character builder, right? I've survived 24 years of loneliness and I'm sure I'll survive many more. I long for just one person whose arms, when wrapped around me, would be comforting. He's got to be out there somewhere. I wish I had answers to my many questions and the many "whys". There have been several storms recently. I adore storms. I love to watch the lightning streak across the sky. You have occasional single bolts but usually it looks like veins or fingers reaching across the heavens. It's so beautiful. Then...count to ten...a loud "boom" and the air is filled with rumbling thunder. The windows rattle while my chest vibrates. The wind blows, caressing my skin. The raindrops fall and I feel as if I'm being cleansed by heaven's tears. The power, the strength and energy of the storm fills me, rejuvenating my tired soul. Some people fear storms and run for shelter. I stand out in the open and embrace it, soaking up its healing powers; letting it course through my veins. I've never felt anything more comforting or exhilarating.

Author's notes: It is funny how some things never really change.  I know I have met a lot of people who feel this way as well.  I understand it better now and I now have a few "weirdo" online friends that I can let my weirdness shine with, which helps. 


Wednesday, July 2, 2014

AMAZING Dream Journal Entry February 17, 2001

Dream Journal Entry February 17, 2001

I had a rather strange dream before I woke.  I can't remember a lot of details.  It started someplace like K-Mart.  The store was closed and I think it was getting ready to go out of business...at least that is the feeling I got.  I remember being in the computer section and doing something with a computer.  I think the brand name had the initials E. G. or E. M. can't remember exactly but I do remember there were initials.  I think there was someone else there with me but I can't remember who.  We left because someone was coming.  I think we were going to pretend we worked there.  Then it seemed like we were in a hotel room somewhere and we were getting dressed up...can't remember why.  Then we were outside the building going down the sidewalk and I remember saying, "I'm telling you, we have to go back so I can get some shoes."  I had no shoes on but a dress and panty hose.  I said again that I needed to get some shoes at the store while I was walking down the sidewalk and saw this beautiful man dressed in a suit coming in the opposite direction.  He looked directly at me.  I felt embarrassed about not having on any shoes and I turned around to go back into my room to get shoes on.  The beautiful man followed me into the building.  All of a sudden he was beside me on my left with his arm around my waist.  It was almost as if I was floating and no longer walking on my own.  This man walked with me down the hall and at one point, there was an area full of people gathered around a little shop.  It was there that we got separated for a little while.  I didn't think I would be able to find him again but I did and we went on past the crowd down the hall.  I wound up in his room lying in bed with him.  He was laying on his left side with his back to me.  I put an arm around him and he turned towards me.  We started talking.  He said something about how he wasn't sure if he wanted to follow through with being with me but now that I was receptive to him he had changed his mind.  He pulled me on top of him.  We were both naked.  He held me in his arms and I held him.  I put my face in his neck and basked in feeling safe and secure and feeling good about myself.  I remember thinking I wanted to tell him that I really hadn't planned on having sex with him either and that I would be content laying in his arms all night and forever if I could.  He was AMAZING and almost MAGICAL.  That's when the dream started to fade and I started to wake.  I tried to go back to sleep so I could continue to dream about this wonderful man, but Phoenix wouldn't let me.  I woke with the dream lingering in my mind and I wondered if it had any special meaning.  I wondered who the man was because I don't remember him being a familiar face to me.  Was he an angel?  I can't remember specifically what he looked like which is odd.  I just remember how wonderful it was to have him near.  I can only hope I will meet with this special person again in my sleep tonight.  I didn't want to leave his embrace.  Who are you dream man?  Come see me again tonight.  Come speak to me and hold me.

December 18, 1999 Dream Journal Entry

December 18, 1999 Dream Journal Entry

I had an odd dream last night.  I can't remember a lot of details but there was a guy and he showed up everywhere  I was.  I think he was in love with me or something like that.  I remember stairs....going up them to a room where I took a nap.  I went back down and there he was waiting for me.  He gave me a picture of himself and I told him I would keep it with me always.  I remember being flattered by his desire to be around me everywhere I was.  When I woke I was left with a feeling that the man in my dream was a spirit and that it was his way of coming through and telling me he was always with me.  I know it sounds really strange.  I just feel like there is "someone" with me.  I even felt like I should talk to him today but I didn't.  Little odd things have happened like a tapping noise on the wicker coffee table and my can of air freshener in my car sprayed for no reason at all.  Nothing was rubbing the can that should have made it spray.  I've been expecting the unexpected and unexplainable.  I feel like if odd things were to happen, I wouldn't be freaked out or scared at all.  So do I really have a male spirit with me?  I'm not sure but I have a feeling if there is, he wants me to know he is here.

October 1, 1995 Random Musing

"The Jester" Photo By Susanne Spiel
The challenge of coming to grips with who you are.
What does it take?
Is it as simple as falling in love with ones self?
To be comfortable in your own skin.
What does it take?
To embrace what you believe in could be key.
To be comfortable in the space around you.
What does it take?
Is it as simple as accepting your past without regret?
Sliding into a role as natural as breathing
Believing what and who you are really isn't so bad.
Knowing you are going to survive through tomorrow.
Trusting you are doing the best you can with circumstances at hand.
Each heartache and hardship only adds another thread to the great rope of strength I posses.

Written  October 1, 1995
By Oktobre Taylor

Where Have You Gone?

Untitled

I stretch out my arms to the sky and cry to heaven.
"Where have you gone?"
Pieces of myself lost in the fabric of life, drifting without shape.
"Who are you now?"
Is this my destiny and will it come to a happy end?
"What is it you want?"
Darkness takes me into its great mouth and gnaws on my brain.
"Do you even stand a chance?"
I hold on with both hands to the twine made up of my strength.
"How long can you remain?"
Bruised, battered and heart full of so much pain.
"When will you return?"
They see my face yet not my soul and understand nothing.
"Don't you know I need you?"


Written September 13, 1995
By Oktobre Taylor

An Old Journal Entry



September 28, 1996
"Oktobre Winds of Change is my name" she said to the butterfly. And it glided past her unnoticed by the eyes of those around her. A crow as black as oil floated across the grey fall sky calling out to her, "Hear me, child, for we are always here watching over you...never far from the one we call our Queen." Her eyes wandered to the red, gold and green tree tops swaying in the breeze. She wished she could block out the sound of the cars passing by so she could hear what her heart was trying to say to her. "Give me strength, give me knowledge," was her silent prayer to heaven.